WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

OK folks, the office has a major demographic problem on its hands. You've all swept it under the rug for years, but it's not going away. Here's the age pyramid of current employees:

Men are in green, women in grey. If you don't know how to read an age pyramid, that's not my problem. 

It doesn't take a professional demographer to notice the problem: No children. The youngest employee is 23. That means that in another couple of decades the office will be entirely over 40, with no hale youth to care for the frail aged. (Do I need even need to link to the Wikipedia page for the socio-demographic implications of China's One Child Policy?)

You know what that means, folks: The office needs offspring. Specifically: Yours. It is with a heavy heart that I suggest this, as the thought of any of you performing base sexual acts with one another sends a shiver down the spine of my soul. But I'm afraid it has come to this.

To facilitate the ushering in of a new generation of employees, the office will be observing these protocols:

  • No more streaming music. It hogs the BANDWIDTH, and takes away from valuable copulation opportunities. The only exception is THIS SONG, which will be played on cyclical repeat throughout the office until this problem is remedied.
  • All female employees between the ages of 20 and 34 should immediately desist all current activities and focus exclusively on resting, eating, and producing litters. This is the "fertile window" for human females, folks, and we can't have these offspring machines expending their effort on anything else. 
  • Lunch breaks are being cut to 45 minutes, and from 12:00-12:15pm all employees will pray and make an offering to the fertility gods. This is a ecumenical office, people -- pray to whichever fertility gods you believe in. But pray earnestly and fervently.

If you read this far into the email, congratulations. You have met my most minimal expectations.

Bye.

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager

Moueska


quality posts: 54 Private Messages Moueska

tl;dr - get it ON!

SESteve


quality posts: 15 Private Messages SESteve

Dear Katherine:

All of us in IT suggest you add this song to the playlist.

Sincerely,
Willy Greenblaat

EssenGrabow


quality posts: 3 Private Messages EssenGrabow

Dearest Katherine, of the lovely eyes

What are you doing this afternoon???

"wink" "wink" "nudge""nudge"

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag

When praying, might I recommend not inserting exploitable ironic clauses, like how he'll be loved (or employed), even if he's the size of a thumb. We already have a guy who's unable to do more than hit the space bar on his keyboard, and Larry ain't retiring any time soon.

Also, is there a reimbursement policy on child purchase? No disrespect to any of the absolutely lovely and in-no-way-offensive-smelly-or-canine-in-feature ladies working here, I feel like office sex is best handled in a way comparable to solving world hunger at the office: Writing a check and filing some paperwork.

If that's not viable, we're going to need to hire more women to maximize productivity (and more maximized if they're, y'know, pretty). At maximum fertile capacity, with no supply or distribution chain issues arising, that's only an annualized 21% boost, with a significant portion of that unable to be claimed for most of the year. By contrast, nearly two thirds of the supply chain can...let's say "start several trials" per day, subject to sufficient demographic availability of compatible coworkers and reproductive health verification.

Or we could hire some interns, but that seems like a lot of work.

goatcrapp


quality posts: 16 Private Messages goatcrapp

Might i suggest a 5 hour loop of this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GggY4TEYbk

captivity


quality posts: 6 Private Messages captivity

https://s3.amazonaws.com/s3.weareultraviolet.org/images/Contraception-Infog.jpg

::cough cough::

Good luck everyone!

BelyndaG


quality posts: 17 Private Messages BelyndaG

As a HR person, I highly suggest that you investigate your Workers' Comp policy before going any further with this, er, effort. I mean, are injuries or, er, conditions resulting from this project covered? Falling off of desks/conference tables, et al can result in some pretty serious back injuries, after all. Not that I know this personally or anything...

onekyfemme


quality posts: 1 Private Messages onekyfemme

There's other options. For example, those woot members with teenagers, or even more particularly, those with children of middle school years, may find themselves with mouthy, whiny offspring who are quite annoying. Perhaps you could offer a trade? A merchandise coupon, or somewhat else? I mean, you'd have to use them for menial labor for a few years so that they could be of appropriate age to procreate, but that might solve BOTH problems. Until such time as they can breed young children of their own, they can take on some of the requirements of caring for the older staff members (filling coffee, making sure it's cool enough not to burn thin, aged lips; filing paperwork that is below waist level or above shoulder level; making sure the copies of all periodicals are available in large print; filling the Metamucil containers in the staff kitchen and making sure the stock of prunes oatmeal is maintained; and running to the store for Depends and denture cream; and changing the channel between C-SPAN, old Westerns, and reruns of Monk). These duties will keep them busy, fill the shortages in the labor pool, provide the desired services, and in a few short years, provide greater diversity in the breeding stock. Also, it will allow the parents of said children to get some shiny new woot merchandise and rid themselves of the mewling, whining creatures.

You would, of course, have to get the lawyers involved so that said parents wouldn't come back later demanding to see their grandchildren, as that would defeat the long-term purpose of the venture.

saquack


quality posts: 1 Private Messages saquack

I don't want to make it seem like I don't love my kids, but you are welcome to see if you can get them to work for you. Now they are kinda young, 9, 4, & 1. So they will need a lot of OJT, but they could grow into great employees. If you are interested, let me know. If you call, don't mention this to my wife.

RobinBobcat


quality posts: 41 Private Messages RobinBobcat

. . . we're gonna get lewd offers to help repopulate Woot's offices in our Bravo Charlies, aren't we?

Wine.woot will become Wine.romantic.candles.KennyG.woot...

Meow

Go Squarryls!

hardworkingjulie


quality posts: 15 Private Messages hardworkingjulie

Very clever, Woot! Breed your own little workforce that can start in the mail-room (that is code for sweat-shop) and work their way up to office minion.