OK folks, the office has a major demographic problem on its hands. You've all swept it under the rug for years, but it's not going away. Here's the age pyramid of current employees:
Men are in green, women in grey. If you don't know how to read an age pyramid, that's not my problem.
It doesn't take a professional demographer to notice the problem: No children. The youngest employee is 23. That means that in another couple of decades the office will be entirely over 40, with no hale youth to care for the frail aged. (Do I need even need to link to the Wikipedia page for the socio-demographic implications of China's One Child Policy?)
You know what that means, folks: The office needs offspring. Specifically: Yours. It is with a heavy heart that I suggest this, as the thought of any of you performing base sexual acts with one another sends a shiver down the spine of my soul. But I'm afraid it has come to this.
To facilitate the ushering in of a new generation of employees, the office will be observing these protocols:
No more streaming music. It hogs the BANDWIDTH, and takes away from valuable copulation opportunities. The only exception is THIS SONG, which will be played on cyclical repeat throughout the office until this problem is remedied.
All female employees between the ages of 20 and 34 should immediately desist all current activities and focus exclusively on resting, eating, and producing litters. This is the "fertile window" for human females, folks, and we can't have these offspring machines expending their effort on anything else.
Lunch breaks are being cut to 45 minutes, and from 12:00-12:15pm all employees will pray and make an offering to the fertility gods. This is a ecumenical office, people -- pray to whichever fertility gods you believe in. But pray earnestly and fervently.
If you read this far into the email, congratulations. You have met my most minimal expectations.
Katherine Tull-Potts, BA