quality posts: 16 Private Messages WootBot


I don't mean to brag, but I'm a Marketing genius. Seriously. I've just had an idea that's going to change the face of advertising forever: I'm going to let you pay me to advertise in my Out of Office messages.

I get literally hundreds of emails a day. You could be responding to EACH of them! The possibilities are endless! Businesses, charities, even individuals can benefit from targeted advertising like this! For only $5 sent to my PayPal, here's how YOU can get your message SEEN!


Got a sale you need to spread the word about? Want to let people know about your new location? Looking to give your sales that extra boost? Consider any of the following options!

"Hi, I'll be out of the office today through Thursday. And you know, whenever I'm out of the office I always make a point to stop by Smilin' Jack's Steakhouse. Whether it's a tender Filet Mignon, fire-kissed Porterhouse, or sumptuous surf and turf, Jack's does it right. Stop by today!"

"Hello, I am currently out of the office. If your message is urgent, please contact management. Although if they have any sense, THEY'RE out of the office too because Memory Makers is having a blowout sale on some of the best greeting cards, doilies, knick knacks, and glassware in their inventory!"

"Sorry, but it looks like I caught the stomach flu that's going around. I'll be out of the office until further notice. It's a shame, too, because I was really looking forward to getting a complimentary haircut in celebration of Suzy's Salon opening on California Ave. today. Be sure to stop by and mention this Out of Office message for 20% off any coloring!"

See how that works? A personally crafted, highly targeted message beamed directly to customers and it's not even unsolicited! Technically! But you don't have to be a business to benefit from this strategy.


At rates like these even YOU can afford to personally advertise with me. Put a spin on that marriage proposal! Impress your friends! Just give yourself a pick-me-up! Anyone emailing me COULD be seeing a message from you:

"Hi, this is Randall, I'll be out of the office Monday, the 22nd through Friday, the 26th. Apropos of nothing, Chris Peters is the best kisser on planet Earth. Seriously. Give him a smooch and see."

"Hey all. Sorry, but I've been called away unexpectedly due to a death in the family. I am not sure when I will be back. PS Melissa Knobloch of Macon, Indiana: will you marry Steve Ketterman?"

"If I wasn't headed out of town for the next four days to cover the Consumer Electronics Show you can bet I'd be hitting on Stacy Duncan of Desoto, Missouri. She is as hot as she is available."

Public Service Announcements

Municipalities on a budget can reach their citizens now in an instant, thanks to targeted email out of office messages!

"I am in a Company-Mandated Sexual Harassment Education Seminar all day today. Also, there is a boil order until further notice for Los Gatos, California."

"Due to the Ballard Farmer's Market running out of cherries for the season I will be taking the rest of the afternoon off."

"I am working from home today with limited access to email, but still available on my cell phone. There is a PTA meeting tonight at 6pm in St. Joseph, Minnesota, and they still need a volunteer to provide some kind of cookie or snack and drinks."

Space is filling up fast and you never know when I'll have to leave the office, so don't delay! Send me $5 today!


quality posts: 4 Private Messages ctdietz

I like how you point out that the sexual harassment course is company mandated and not just how you choose to spend your afternoons. Its an important clarification because nobody ever expects you to listen at something that is required by your boss, leaving you free to harass all the sexuals you want outside of work.


quality posts: 0 Private Messages dseanadams

Um, so, this is kind of a weird one:

I have this coworker - let's call him "Mandy" - who's always staring at me with this weird, angry look in his eyes like he wants to hurt me. And not just occasionally - whenever I turn around, there he is, staring.

Anyway, I feel kind of uncomfortable just coming right out and confronting him, so I thought maybe something indirect - like one of these out of the office messages! - might help...


quality posts: 48 Private Messages mjc613

Any takers yet? Figured I could do this too, but wanted to know if it would be worth my while.


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag

I feel like this is too risky without a demographic breakdown. What are the interests of those who generally e-mails you when you're away from your desk? Do these people (or anybody) read auto-replies? Can we post your address somewhere to increase the chances of our target audience seeing the message? If you only get spam about male enhancement during one vacation, do we get a refund?

Oh, and when you guys do that seminar, do you have that horrifying exercise where they make you harass your colleagues? We had one where we were instructed to first come up with five workplace-acceptable compliments, and then...make them inappropriate. Thank you, HR, for forcing me to be a better man...at being mean.


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
mjc613 wrote:Any takers yet? Figured I could do this too, but wanted to know if it would be worth my while.

Opportunities are still available but closing fast! (read: no interest yet)


quality posts: 6 Private Messages rayray099

I just quit my office job for the much more glamours life of the waitress.. I'm totally writing one of these as a farewell. Thx Randy!, er Mandy!