WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

Folks,

You may have noticed the Internet running especially slow this week. Instead of investigating whether it has anything to do with our Internet provider, I have assumed that the slowdown is caused by the incessant viewing of VIRAL VIDEOS by our layabout staff. This is a place of work, people, not a Viral Video Screening Theater.

In response to this problem, we have instituted a new "Fire-Wall" system. You may notice some differences the next time you watch a Viral Video. Namely:

  • Fear of something enormous and unnamable looming just beyond the horizon of understanding.
  • Nausea.
  • Crippling shame.
  • The feeling that someone close to you (your mother, perhaps) is weeping alone in a dark place.
  • Sweaty knees.
  • The sense that a tumor or large spider egg is growing just beneath your shin bone.

These feelings are all caused by Goblin Guilt, one of the 1000 ghosts of human suffering that we have hired as an Internet "Fire-Wall." You will never see Goblin Guilt, as he lives perpetually just outside one's field of view, but he sees all that you do, folks.

Everytime you watch a Viral Video, old Goblin Guilt will be there, dancing on your soul and jabbing at your conscience with his Pitiless Pitchfork. These are not metaphors, people, this is literally how the new Fire-Wall works.

If you do watch a Viral Video and receive a visit from GG, there is but one recourse: You must push him deep, deep inside yourself where no one can see him and where your secret can remain safe. But HEADS UP, folks: Goblin Guilt will visit you again in an even more malignant form down the road and irrevocably moulder your spirit. Again, this is the only way to handle the situation and obviously it isn't great, so maybe you should just stop watching Viral Videos, mmk?

-Bye-

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager

dfcnothing


quality posts: 3 Private Messages dfcnothing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOp-zkn4JsY

Thatll fix it for you.

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag

Wait, which of the two IT guys claimed to have installed this...?

Also, why is the firewall not simply a wall of fire? You'd think that would work far better, if only by virtue of being far more exciting than anything on YouTube.

Also also, when did we close down the Viral Video Screening Theater Department!?

Gatzby


quality posts: 43 Private Messages Gatzby
jcolag wrote:Wait, which of the two IT guys claimed to have installed this...?

Also, why is the firewall not simply a wall of fire? You'd think that would work far better, if only by virtue of being far more exciting than anything on YouTube.

Also also, when did we close down the Viral Video Screening Theater Department!?



The wall of fire was causing the soft-serve butter machine to malfunction. Pets were complaining.

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jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag
Gatzby wrote:The wall of fire was causing the soft-serve butter machine to malfunction. Pets were complaining.



Free butter? I have got to read the employee handbook!