WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

Everybody:

The office has a new printer, and unlike the old Lexmark printer, this on is RUN BY A TEAM OF INDUSTRIOUS PRINT-GNOMES. If you have never used a gnome printer before, read this email in its entirety. If you have used a gnome printer, please do the same as gnome printer technology has changed much in recent years.


TO TURN ON THE PRINTER:
Press the "Power" button. This will ring a series of small brass bells that hang above each gnome's bed, rousing them. Wait 20 minutes while the gnomes stretch, brew their dandelion tea, and change out of their red union suits. If you hear any noises during this time, it is the gnomes fussing good-naturedly.

TO CONNECT YOUR COMPUTER TO THE PRINTER:
Place a USB cable next to your computer and the printer, and give the following command: "YIP-YIP!" A team of hale young gnomes will scurry out of the printer housing, doff their caps in unison, and heave the cable into the corresponding ports like soldiers with a battering ram.

TO PRINT A DOCUMENT:
Hit CTRL+P, select "Gnome1022.2", and set out a tiny buffet of wilderness treats upon which the gnomes can feast. After they have eaten their fill of cracklenuts, mulled blueberry wine, and honey-dipped rootcakes, they will start printing your document.

IF YOU ENCOUNTER A PROBLEM:
Ask to see The Head Gnome. He can be identified by his green cap, grey beard, and august nature. Present your problem to The Head Gnome in straightforward language (gnomes are simple, honest folk), and finish each sentence with a deferential bob of the head.


Also, this should go without saying people, but DO NOT TRY TO STEAL THE GNOMES FOR THEIR PURPORTED ABILITY TO TURN DEWDROPS INTO GOLD. This is a silly superstition, and besides, the gnomes would need a ruby fiddle to accomplish such a task.

- BYE -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager

SESteve


quality posts: 15 Private Messages SESteve

Oh right, just gloss over how the gnomes like to urinate on our Aeron knock-offs after a few quaffs of mulled blueberry wine! I maintain that we should have gone with the Flintstones-technology woodpecker in the box printer. At least their waste products are conveniently contained. You just wait and see how many complaints you get about urine-soaked slacks and skirts (and jeans on casual Friday). I'll be standing by to say I Told You So!

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag

At my first job, our "printer" for the company was a room dedicated to the task, that we weren't allowed to enter...or see, for that matter.

In a methodology that makes me feel at home reading these memos, we got printouts by e-mailing the location of the file on our workstations to the IT department, who forwarded it to the mysterious employees of the print shop.

Later in the day, you'd get a phone call from an internal extension. When you picked up, they'd hang up. That was a signal to walk down the hall to the alleged location of the print shop. On the cheapo cafeteria table outside the door, you picked up your printout.

One copy not good enough? For that, there was a secondary process. You left it ON the printout table with a job-description form with a million useless options. From there, you rejoined the above paragraph waiting for the hang-up phone call.

This gnome-based printer must be the miniaturized version of the old room-sized unit we had.

And no, not kidding about that place. I also got reprimanded for plugging in my computer--I was supposed to put in a request with the IT guys. Because you can't expect a new employee to be able to insert a plug into an electrical socket. It's not like they've been around since Edison...oh, wait, that's exactly how long they've been around.

I do need to ask, though. Hypothetically--purely hypothetically, I mean--what would happen if a similarly-hypothetical employee were to have eaten all the honey-dipped rootcakes...?

Slydon


quality posts: 17 Private Messages Slydon

Staff

jcolag wrote:I do need to ask, though. Hypothetically--purely hypothetically, I mean--what would happen if a similarly-hypothetical employee were to have eaten all the honey-dipped rootcakes...?



I always just call the IT guys and they send up Maintenance, but my buddy Mike used to work in Maintenance, and he says they've got to go talk to the Toad King to get more, and apparently the Toad King makes them do a little dance that's really demeaning, so be aware that if you're always calling, they totally know your name.

Hi, I'm one of the writers. My powers are limited but I'll do what I can.

talljerseysteve


quality posts: 2 Private Messages talljerseysteve

In for one when the gnomes learn how to fax as well.

arz


quality posts: 0 Private Messages arz

Thought this was going to be a Linux only type of deal.

Mancho


quality posts: 4 Private Messages Mancho
jcolag wrote:At my first job, our "printer" for the company was a room dedicated to the task, that we weren't allowed to enter...or see, for that matter.

In a methodology that makes me feel at home reading these memos, we got printouts by e-mailing the location of the file on our workstations to the IT department, who forwarded it to the mysterious employees of the print shop.

Later in the day, you'd get a phone call from an internal extension. When you picked up, they'd hang up. That was a signal to walk down the hall to the alleged location of the print shop. On the cheapo cafeteria table outside the door, you picked up your printout.

One copy not good enough? For that, there was a secondary process. You left it ON the printout table with a job-description form with a million useless options. From there, you rejoined the above paragraph waiting for the hang-up phone call.

This gnome-based printer must be the miniaturized version of the old room-sized unit we had.

And no, not kidding about that place. I also got reprimanded for plugging in my computer--I was supposed to put in a request with the IT guys. Because you can't expect a new employee to be able to insert a plug into an electrical socket. It's not like they've been around since Edison...oh, wait, that's exactly how long they've been around.

...



Yep. Union shop.

abitterwoman


quality posts: 27 Private Messages abitterwoman

Gee..with as much money as Woot! brings in, I would have thought surely they could afford a printer run by elves. They do the job in half the time.

"Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose."

Ruger9mm


quality posts: 2 Private Messages Ruger9mm
abitterwoman wrote:Gee..with as much money as Woot! brings in, I would have thought surely they could afford a printer run by elves. They do the job in half the time.



Yes but the problem with elvish (or would it be elvin?) printers is they cost nearily twice as much as their nome counterparts. Sure you get a more robust housing and some finer detail, but is it really worth the cost. The other disadvantage is the propritary elvish processes require you to install elf compatible equipment throughout your system, the nomes are much less picky about which systems they work with. Also, have you read the elvish EULA they think they own the content on anything they print! No thanks, I'll stay with the cheaper nomish products.

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag
Slydon wrote:I always just call the IT guys and they send up Maintenance, but my buddy Mike used to work in Maintenance, and he says they've got to go talk to the Toad King to get more, and apparently the Toad King makes them do a little dance that's really demeaning, so be aware that if you're always calling, they totally know your name.



My name? Crap. That explains the nightmares, though. The abyss, the glowing eyes, the charges on my credit card...

abitterwoman


quality posts: 27 Private Messages abitterwoman
Ruger9mm wrote:Yes but the problem with elvish (or would it be elvin?) printers is they cost nearily twice as much as their nome counterparts. Sure you get a more robust housing and some finer detail, but is it really worth the cost. The other disadvantage is the propritary elvish processes require you to install elf compatible equipment throughout your system, the nomes are much less picky about which systems they work with. Also, have you read the elvish EULA they think they own the content on anything they print! No thanks, I'll stay with the cheaper nomish products.



I guess I should have really done my research before opening my mouth. I just got schooled in gnome-ology

"Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose."