WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

Everybody,

It's almost the autumnal equinox, and you know what that means: The annual office flesh drive. Our goal this year is to collect 34 pounds of flesh. And by "goal" I mean that nobody is leaving the office until we reach it.


The copy room has been temporarily converted to a flesh-donation room. Remember, folks: You have to carve your own flesh. We're not one of those fancy-schmancy offices that hires a trained medical professional for their flesh drives. Double reminder: Make sure to sanitize any instruments BEFORE use. We're not your maids, people; take care of your scalpels.

Everybody needs to donate 0.74 pounds of flesh, which might not sound like a lot but you'd be surprised how big of a pile that is. Cookies and juice are provided in the flesh-donation room. Make sure you have a snack beforehand, as the site of their own flayed muscles and tendons makes some people a little woozy.

In the flesh-donation room you will also find:

  • A bottle of corn whiskey.
  • A strap of rawhide to hold between your teeth.
  • An iPod with headphones to distract yourself (it only has Nick Drake).

In years past a lot of people have asked where on their bodies they should cut the flesh from. Folks: It is not my job to tell you where to excise your flesh from. Use your common sense if you have any.

Please note that if you are carrying feline-borne parasitic disease(s) (as I am), you are exempt from the flesh drive.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager

 

Photo courtesy of Flickr user psd under the auspices of the Creative Commons License

stm027


quality posts: 2 Private Messages stm027

Are we expected to separate skin, hair, and bone from the flesh, or will that be taken care of off site?

I put chemicals in your food... seriously

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag

Sadly, I have to bow out, as I ->click<- recently acquired a parasite-ridden cat. (Oh, crap, it's being delivered SmartPost!?)

That ups everybody else to 0.7556ish pounds, but I'll volunteer to marry Jessica the embezzling clerk and try to resolve the debt through her connections.

But seriously, can we just use a different bank in the upcoming fiscal year? It actually explains the policy right on the Shylock website, so it's not like the accounting people couldn't see this coming. And we had to "let go" five people last year, because it turns out that one pound is a lot of flesh. And trying to cut it without getting any blood in it is really annoying.

Jessara


quality posts: 7 Private Messages Jessara

For a small fee, I will provide the quantity of flesh required, so you can take it in with you, in a small plastic bag. I have a contact in a lipo clinic, and flesh is flesh. PM me; highest offers get priority delivery.

jpellowe


quality posts: 0 Private Messages jpellowe

I thought we were supposed to be fattening up for winter, but ok, I'll just have to stock up on extra berries.

jtsneider


quality posts: 0 Private Messages jtsneider

I assume you are referring to blood; A pint of blood is close to a pound. By the way, those surgical tool look very...antiquated.

J83pc


quality posts: 3 Private Messages J83pc

This sounds oddly familiar... Someone's been watching "Suicide Club (Jisatsu sâkuru)" and getting ideas.

You didn't always take me where I wanted to go.
No, but I always took you where you needed to go.
doctor.who

witteeric


quality posts: 0 Private Messages witteeric

theres going to be one person who doesn't understand this is a joke, and sends them a baggie of human flesh...

Jertyrael


quality posts: 21 Private Messages Jertyrael

I suggest that Katherine should seek psychiatric assistance.

"Woot and all our various sites will continue to be an independently operated company full of horrible, useless products and an untalented jerkface writing staff, same as it ever was." -- Matt Rutledge

silkykitty


quality posts: 0 Private Messages silkykitty

FINALLY!!!! The up side to having Toxoplasmosis. *whew*

buenocabra


quality posts: 2 Private Messages buenocabra

If everyone had read the memo I sent in April about biting small pieces of skin from your lips and cheeks and saving them in a mason jar under your desk like I've been doing for the past 6 1/2 years, all this drama could have been avoided. Some people.

libertybelle


quality posts: 7 Private Messages libertybelle

i got a tattoo 3 weeks ago -i am forbidden from excising flesh for 1 year.

marvay


quality posts: 0 Private Messages marvay

I had a really bad sunburn this summer and I'm sure I shed well over a pound of skin all over the office. Can I count that? It's not my fault the cleaning crew vacuumed it up.

tanios


quality posts: 12 Private Messages tanios

Even though I'm technically absolved of any flesh quota (toxoplasmosis ftw), I will gladly donate two units of red blood cells (that way I'm not wasting your time with liquid plasma) if it ensures a Bundles of Crayons on my doorstep (smartpost is acceptable).

mjc613


quality posts: 48 Private Messages mjc613

This reminds me of this.

waterbaby3


quality posts: 0 Private Messages waterbaby3

Hmm.... getting a piercing redone in DC tomorrow leaves me out. For some reason, getting pierced is evil and even more evil if you do it in DC. At least according to the blood drive people. Oh well, no flesh for you!! But if you want some hair, human and animal, I can easily give a few vacuum cans worth in a week.