WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

Staff


You can tell a sham astrologer by the vague one-size-fits-all generalities they dispense. One who can actually read the stars will be far more interested in being specific than in merely being right. Our own Jason Toon is the seer who won't cop out. Forget the hazy visions of the astro-phonies - Jason says the sooths you can use.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): You will purchase a racehorse with Bobby Rahal, Steve Vai, and Donna Brazile.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): This is an auspicious week for meat shoots of all kinds.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Danger awaits at the Publix Supermarket at 200 Island Way in Clearwater, Florida. Everywhere else is safe.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Someone very close to you will accidentally bite the inside of his or her cheek. The resultant swelling will cause him or her to bite the same spot three more times that day.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your lucky paint color: Sherwin-Williams "Pewter Tankard" (SW0023).

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A hostile encounter with a local investigative TV reporter will redound to your advantage.

LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): Avoid soda cans containing bees. Seek out soda cans containing rare gemstones.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): One of those little IKEA pencils will prove invaluable when you need it most.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This week, stone fruits hold the secret to romantic fulfillment.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your lucky sports division: the American League Central.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Seek financial security from the teller at your bank with the distracting mole, not the one who looks like a fatter Baby Spice.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): This is not a good week to impersonate a tuckpointer.

WARNING: These divinations are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!

thumperchick


quality posts: 244 Private Messages thumperchick

*runs out to buy pears*

What? We already have apples.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 584 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

I now know what tuckpointing is. My life is complete.



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laurajaworski


quality posts: 0 Private Messages laurajaworski

wow right on for cancer.lolz... my husband is one and I always do that bite inside of my cheek thing

slightlyslapdash


quality posts: 8 Private Messages slightlyslapdash

RE: LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your lucky paint color: Sherwin-Williams "Pewter Tankard" (SW0023).

Thanks woot! My husband and I were trying to figure out what paint color to go with for the outside our home. Pewter-Tankard is it! (I just need to run that by him first...)

;)

=(|) woot monkeys rock. \m/(>.<)\m/

Mr3dPHD


quality posts: 2 Private Messages Mr3dPHD

Whew! I shop at the Publix at 2261 W New Haven Ave in Melbourne Florida. Close one.

Woots: 26
Wine.Woots: 3
Kids.Woots: 4
Shirt.Woots: 1
Sellout.Woots: 1
Craps: 6

unpetitfou


quality posts: 2 Private Messages unpetitfou
thumperchick wrote:*runs out to buy pears*

What? We already have apples.



Get some peaches or apricots while you're at it.

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag
One of those little IKEA pencils will prove invaluable when you need it most.



Hm. It is specific by mention of the IKEA pencil, but isn't everything always invaluable when you need it most...?

Not that I believe any of this rubbish. And I was already planning on wearing the American League Central around my neck, today. If I could only find the Brewers...

klozitshoper


quality posts: 2 Private Messages klozitshoper

I shop in Publix in several towns that run together - all depends on where I am and what I am doing. Thankfully I am safe for the present while up here in PNW!!! Store in Clearwater might be near Scientology Hq.?

Slydon


quality posts: 18 Private Messages Slydon

Staff

I'm wary of all liquid metals ever since I read "Johnny Tremain" but maybe I'll take the risk and buy that paint.

Hi, I'm one of the writers. My powers are limited but I'll do what I can.

paulettephelps


quality posts: 2 Private Messages paulettephelps

Hmmm, what shall I use my paint for?

Jason Toon


quality posts: 19 Private Messages Jason Toon
paulettephelps wrote:Hmmm, what shall I use my paint for?



For good luck! Paint a four-leaf clover with it or something.

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady

American League Central - is that baseball or football?



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

Bingo969


quality posts: 11 Private Messages Bingo969

I live only a few miles from that Publix. Now I'm going to HAVE to shop there every day this week just to see what the hell happens.
Man I hope Publix paid you for this free advertising since I'll be dropping a bundle going there every day. I mean seriously, who can go to a Publix without buying SOMETHING?