WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

There have been a lot of troubling internal reports lately, and it's time to restate a few long-standing company policies (from the employee handbook):

  • Employees are not allowed on the roof of the building at any time.
  • Employees may not use printers or copiers for personal use.
  • Employees may not invade Russia, regardless of perceived numerical, tactical, or technological superiority.


Is this confusing to anyone? Does any of these need to be spelled out? They seem pretty clear, but apparently some employees have taken it upon themselves to break the tenuous peace agreement and invade Russia. You may be the greatest military genius of the modern age, but supply chains can only stretch so far, OK?

These policies are in place for a reason, people. It may seem like a good idea to invade given Tsar Alexander's relatively weak army, but logistical as well as diplomatic hurdles abound, folks. Not only do you risk to lose the support of the Prussian and Austrian empires for yourself, but for the REST OF THE OFFICE. Think about how your actions reflect on the rest of us before you go breaking treaties, all right?

It's just common sense to avoid going on the office roof, or marching your army across the expanse of Mother Russia during rasputitsa. In the former dumb-dumb move, you risk falling and seriously hurting yourself, putting the company at risk of costly litigation. In the latter, you risk depleting your numerical advantage in the face of scorched-earth tactics and dangerous marching conditions. Noodle on it for a second before you decide to do either.

Using the copier for personal use, like marching on Moscow, will both result in but pyrrhic victories. Yes, you will have copies of the flyers for your upcoming yard sale, and yes you will have captured the enemy's capital. But what then? And what tremendous cost do these temporary victories come?

Until these policies are followed exactly, the stairwell to the roof will be locked and employees' command of the Grande Armée is temporarily suspended.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager

EssenGrabow


quality posts: 3 Private Messages EssenGrabow

But what about the still on the roof? And where else can I make copies of my butt in relative privacy? Trust me, they don't exhibit much tolerance for it down at the public library's copier or the one at the grocery store.

And have I not apologized enough for that last Asian land war? That policy was written after my last little foray, and I HAVE NOT BROKEN IT! I'm sorry, already!

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag

But Russia claimed the roof as sovereign territory and seized the copier! They also stole the non-dairy creamer, but that stuff's nasty. Regardless, we must defend out honor.

Also, I solved the supply line problem. We send a scout into the next town to rent a mailbox, and boom (problem solved, not explosion), order whatever we need from Amazon.

The only problem is towns that have a residency requirement for the box. Does petty cash have enough money to get cable TV for a couple of months along the march route? It'd get us a bill and also help with morale. Le Grande Armee can't go without something called Project Runway, which is probably about airstrikes or something.

It has to be in the budget, actually. Everything tells me I shall succeed. Will you prevent me from doing so for the want of 100 crowns? Err...dollars?

billlehecka


quality posts: 2 Private Messages billlehecka

You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

curtise


quality posts: 22 Private Messages curtise

Overheard in Katherine Tull-Potts's office:
"Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?"
-=C=-

PahBell


quality posts: 0 Private Messages PahBell

What if one were to outsource said invasion to the villagers of Papua New Guinea, would it still be a violation of company policy?

hoggenstein


quality posts: 1 Private Messages hoggenstein

If you guys could write product descriptions in that same manner, I would buy stuff just to support the cause of sending people to die in russia.

xljohn


quality posts: 0 Private Messages xljohn

Did you all miss the news this week that they found something like 15 Quadrillion dollars worth of diamonds in a meteor crater in Russia? Of course we need to invade Russia. You want them to be the only country in the world that has paid off their debt to China?

slacker44


quality posts: 7 Private Messages slacker44

I used the printer at work for those blasted Buccaneers of Caribbean treasure hunts. I didn't get the Buccaneers of Caribbean and I was not fired. I would have been fine with the pyrrhic victory had it included the Buccaneers of Caribbean !