WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff


What does this week hold in store for you? If you're looking for broadside bromides about chasing your dreams, there are a million phony fortune-tellers out there. But our resident augurer Jason Toon puts the "clarity" in "clairvoyanty". If you are prepared to peer into your future, read on for horoscopes so specific, they're literally unbelievable…

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Midweek will bring positive financial news, but not for you.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your lucky John Hughes movie: Curly Sue, unfortunately.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This week, knowing the difference between vanilla and vanillin will save your life.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): One of your friends will turn out not to be a friend at all, but actually an industrial power sprayer.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Under no circumstances should you enter a courtroom or law office this week unless you are adept in muay Thai.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Be circumspect about expressing strong opinions about Crosby, Stills, and Nash.

LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): The next chapter of your life begins at a Pepperidge Farm Thrift Store. But be sure to check the expiration date on those Pirouettes.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The discovery of a wasp nest will lead to unexpected romance.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your lucky Guinea pig breed: English Crested Black.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Noted columnist and author Thomas Friedman will leave you a lousy tip.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): No matter how painful, it is time to move on and accept that the neck of your favorite t-shirt will never return to its original size.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Whatever you do this week, the implications will be troubling.

WARNING: These divinations are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 563 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

I'm a Pisces. That could be my horrorscope for any week.



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agingdragqueen


quality posts: 120 Private Messages agingdragqueen

Staff

Yay! I've always wanted a guinea pig!


jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag
The next chapter of your life begins at a Pepperidge Farm Thrift Store. But be sure to check the expiration date on those Pirouettes.



So, you're saying it's a good week to scam Woot-reading Libras by lurking near the Pirouettes...?

inkycatz


quality posts: 105 Private Messages inkycatz
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Be circumspect about expressing strong opinions about Crosby, Stills, and Nash.


I just have no opinion on this, so that makes it easier for the week, right?

I'm just hanging out, really.

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This week, knowing the difference between vanilla and vanillin will save your life.

man, this is going to be like last week's cadmium/Cadbury incident, isn't it?


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Not sure if you should post that? This slightly-nsfw-flowchart will help.

kimannlee


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kimannlee

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Under no circumstances should you enter a courtroom or law office this week unless you are adept in muay Thai.

That's just great, I have Jury duty on Wedneday!

nparus


quality posts: 1 Private Messages nparus

Although devastated by the loss of a supposed "friend," I find that the gain of an industrial power washer has provided me with a new vocation. Do you have any idea how much fun you can have with a power washer?

Moony

thumperchick


quality posts: 238 Private Messages thumperchick

Does that mean I'll get a guinea pig that doesn't make the "woop woop woop" noise when my dogs tickle its belly with their noses?