WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

Everybody,

Mark your calendars, next Tuesday is Bring Your Daughter Who Will One Day Be Responsible For A Global Nuclear War To Work So We Can Neutralize The Threat Day.

If you've been brought on in the last year and are unfamiliar with this tradition, here are some guidelines:

  • It's not for us to know how your female offspring will cause the Great Undoing. In fact, such knowledge would redirect the stream of time in unpredictable and dangerous ways.
  • No matter how sweet and innocent she seems now, she will be responsible for unspeakable death and horror. This is the only way. IT'S THE ONLY WAY, DAMMIT!
  • No, this is not some test √° la Abraham's covenent with God. We will not ask you to stay your hand at the last moment, folks. This is for real.
  • Bring your own object of adequate heft for the deed. None of the office's hefty items can be used for this purpose, per legal.
  • There's always some employee with no team spirit who tries to halt this dire inevitability. If you are this employee: Give up. Your actions are but pebbles in the great River Of Time. If you are not this employee: Wrest the child away and do what must be done.
Please fax me a signed and notarized copy of this email with your initials by each bullet point so I know you read it.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager

EssenGrabow


quality posts: 3 Private Messages EssenGrabow

I was curious. I went to the office manual and then to the office archives to find the start of this tradition. Seems they got this information from some Oracle.

So I emailed the Oracle:
Oh great and mighty Oracle whose feet I am not worthy of dusting with a Swiffer wand, what's the deal with this Woot office prediction?

The response: Heck if I know, let me check the old archives..hmmm....yes, yes.... ahhh, OK. Now I see. There was a slight translation error in that prophecy ("ZADOK! You shall be punished!" "Thank you your bulkiness!") The female part was correct, but the following word was misinterpreted as *offspring* instead of the correct *orderer*, you know - kind of like a manager or something. For payment for this service I have provided you will send me: 2 oreo cookies.

Hmmmm.... Not daughters .... Someone who is female and orders things for the office or perhaps is a manager....

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag

Look, just becuase Larry dresses in a shiny suit and knows about your cat's medical problems, it doesn't mean he's from the future, all right? It means he reads your e-mails and won't spring for natural fibers.

Did we not learn any lessons from his "future economics" lesson that humanity would start using urine for money in 2009? How did that work out...?

Also, the FAX machine has been broken since...well, the last message received is from Czechoslovakia.

slacker44


quality posts: 7 Private Messages slacker44

Fixing the FAX machine would be cost-prohibitive therefore it should be utilized as one of the required hefty items.