Mark your calendars, next Tuesday is Bring Your Daughter Who Will One Day Be Responsible For A Global Nuclear War To Work So We Can Neutralize The Threat Day.
If you've been brought on in the last year and are unfamiliar with this tradition, here are some guidelines:
It's not for us to know how your female offspring will cause the Great Undoing. In fact, such knowledge would redirect the stream of time in unpredictable and dangerous ways.
No matter how sweet and innocent she seems now, she will be responsible for unspeakable death and horror. This is the only way. IT'S THE ONLY WAY, DAMMIT!
No, this is not some test á la Abraham's covenent with God. We will not ask you to stay your hand at the last moment, folks. This is for real.
Bring your own object of adequate heft for the deed. None of the office's hefty items can be used for this purpose, per legal.
There's always some employee with no team spirit who tries to halt this dire inevitability. If you are this employee: Give up. Your actions are but pebbles in the great River Of Time. If you are not this employee: Wrest the child away and do what must be done.
Please fax me a signed and notarized copy of this email with your initials by each bullet point so I know you read it.
- Bye -
Katherine Tull-Potts, BA