WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Trained Hawk vs. Moss in terms of Getting Rid of that Weird Smell

First of all, what’s the hawk trained to do? I’ll tell you what: play piano! Because, c’mon: if you’re going to go through the trouble of training a hawk, you might as well make it fun, right? You don't just want to just train it to do hawk stuff, because that wouldn’t be very exciting at all. So, while a trained hawk can fill a room with the sound of its keys, it can’t empty a room of a weird smell. But moss can. See, moss is from nature, which means it smells kinda weird itself. So if you pile enough of it into a room, you’ll stop smelling the other smell and start smelling the moss!

Advantage:


Moss
 

2. A Shiv vs. An Australian Accent in terms of Getting your Crew to Lay the Railroad Tracks Faster

The shiv is meant to be inconspicuous: easily made, easily used, easily hidden. Shiving a member of your crew will just mean you’re down a member. Additionally, it might inspire others to make and use their own shivs. That’s no good at all. Now, threatening your crew in an Australian accent? That’s how you get results. Australia’s wild country. They eat alligators down there. So who knows what ghastly stuff an Australian would do to a slow-working crew!

Advantage:


An Australian Accent

2. Snickerdoodle Cookies vs. A Wrench in terms of What You Want Orbiting You Like Your Own Personal Moon

Snickerdoodles are good cookies. They’re sweet. They’re simple. They’re easy to make. Everyone loves snickerdoodles. Including you, and that’s the problem. You see a snickerdoodle in orbit around your body, your first instinct will be to grab it and eat, but that would totally throw off your tides. No, a wrench is better. More useful and less appealing!

Advantage:

A Wrench


But enough about that stuff. Let's talk about last week's stuff. The Rebuttal of the Week goes to johnnyicem... who uses the iguana's nature to prove why they'd do well in shipping and receiving:

While Iguanas, as you implied, aren't trainable, they do like food.
Step 1: Similar to a homing pigeon, strap a letter or package to the back of an Iguana.
Step 2: Prepare a nice salad at the place you want the delivery to arrive. Iguanas are herbivores, and love salad.
Step 3: Wait for Iguana to get hungry and search for food.
Step 4: Delivery.
Cinder Blocks do not eat, therefore will not search for food, and thus will not deliver packages.
Advantage: Homing Iguanas.

Anytime you can lay out your answer in 4 clear steps, you're a winner in my book. And by book, I mean blogpost. Can you rebutt me? Argue with my arguments and you just might be here next week!

Photos: "Moss on a log" by flickr user, Kid Cowboy; "Sydney opera house" by flickr user, jimmyharris; "Wrench DOF" by flickr user, LadyDragonflyCC <3. All used under a Creative Commons License.

dukeofwulf


quality posts: 7 Private Messages dukeofwulf

"Australia’s wild country. They eat alligators down there."

No rebuttal this week, but as a resident of south Louisiana, I have two comments:

1. Alligator's good eats. Seriously. I'm salivating just thinking about it.

2. My first instinct was to be offended by the implication that eating alligator makes you untrustworthy. But then I remembered some of the famous people coming out of this region, and had to admit defeat.




Boy, that's embarrassing. And that's just the beginning. I apologize for my state.

inkycatz


quality posts: 105 Private Messages inkycatz
dukeofwulf wrote:Boy, that's embarrassing. And that's just the beginning. I apologize for my state.


No worries, it's not you... that we know of ;)

I'm just hanging out, really.

dukeofwulf


quality posts: 7 Private Messages dukeofwulf
inkycatz wrote:No worries, it's not you... that we know of ;)



Joke's on you! I'm actually Jimmy Swaggart! God told me to go to Woot and evangelize to the Completely Unfair Comparisons community. All five of you.

inkycatz


quality posts: 105 Private Messages inkycatz
dukeofwulf wrote:Joke's on you! I'm actually Jimmy Swaggart! God told me to go to Woot and evangelize to the Completely Unfair Comparisons community. All five of you.



You should tell other people what fun this thread is and get more audience then!

I'm just hanging out, really.

dukeofwulf


quality posts: 7 Private Messages dukeofwulf
inkycatz wrote:You should tell other people what fun this thread is and get more audience then!



The Lord Jesus ministered to the prostitutes and the tax collectors. He was not trying to make more people become prostitutes and tax collectors.

dukeofwulf


quality posts: 7 Private Messages dukeofwulf
dukeofwulf wrote:The Lord Jesus ministered to the prostitutes and the tax collectors. He was not trying to make more people become prostitutes and tax collectors.



No offense to the Woot staff, of course. This certainly is a lovely hive of scum and villainy you've got here.

ttfitz


quality posts: 0 Private Messages ttfitz
dukeofwulf wrote:"Australia’s wild country. They eat alligators down there."



Having just visited Australia this summer/winter (our summer, their winter), I know they don't eat alligators there, they eat crocodiles. Alligators are only native to United States and China.

Ogden Nash wrote:The Purist

I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."



ebam


quality posts: 3 Private Messages ebam

I'm afraid I'll have to disagree on your snickerdoodle v. wrench analysis, and largely on a semantic point (the best kind). you if you had written "Snickerdoodle Cookies vs. A Wrench in terms of *which* You Want Orbiting You Like Your Own Personal Moon" then sure, maybe I'd see your point. I still wouldn't agree, but I'd let it go. HOWEVER, you said "WHAT" you want. Know what I want? fame, power,money, irresistible sexual attractiveness when looked upon by my sexual partner of choice. Know how I get to have all those wants orbiting me like my own personal moon? Snickerdoodles.

[edit: apparently hit "reply" on the wrong message]

pmillsrulz


quality posts: 6 Private Messages pmillsrulz

Now I agree that moss smells funny, and it will cover weird smells with its own weird smell, but you still have a weird smell in the room.

Still, a hawk trained to play piano will draw in the public, you could then charge $10 a person per show, which in turn could be used to rent a shampooer for the carpet and paint for the walls and an iRobot Roomba from Woot to clean between shows. And then, when the weird smell is gone, charge $15 a person because hey, your hawk is going to be on Dave Letterman or Conan or something, and possibly the Today Show, where you'll hopefully meet Kathie Lee and Hoda.

And I happen to love the Completely Unfair Comparisons thread, so you know, that's six of us.

pamtha


quality posts: 13 Private Messages pamtha

I have to go "Advantage Hawk". Train the hawk to dive bomb smelly people while wildly spraying a can of Febreze. I can't see how a hawk could use the trigger spray bottle, so it'd have to be the aerosol can.

My 11 year old "deodorant is for girls" son wouldn't stand a chance, and my delight at seeing the sheer terror in people's eyes as the Febreze Hawk dives towards them like a crazed feathered crop duster would be bonus points and an instant YouTube viral sensation.

trackzero


quality posts: 4 Private Messages trackzero

Counterpoint! Sorry, but your logic is flawed on Hawk vs Moss.

That weird smell *is* moss, so adding more moss won't help, it'll just make it worse.

But fear not! When I trained the hawk to play piano, I taught it to play covers of Rolling Stones songs. And, as everyone knows, the Rolling Stones gather no moss.

Therefore, the hawk's piano music kills off the moss, and the smell dissipates.

-TrackZero
PS: Something about Stephen Hawking.

davep1


quality posts: 4 Private Messages davep1

A Trained Hawk vs. Moss in terms of Getting Rid of that Weird Smell

As the hawk begins to play the piano, it is required, by cartoon law, that a mouse will begin to run inside the piano, hitting the wrong notes and irritating the hawk. The hawk, being a better predator than Tom or Sylvester, will kill the mouse. After a few days the smell will overcome the original weird smell (and the smell of whatever moss you've managed to frivolously collect).

vigilante1987


quality posts: 11 Private Messages vigilante1987

Sorry, have to disagree with you on the Snickerdoodle vs. Wrench. Snickerdoodles have very little mass, thus not much gravitational pull. Tidal effects should be minimal when you eat it (which, of course you eventually will.) On the other hand, if the wrench is in a decaying orbit, at some point in the future you are going to get smacked in the head by a heavy metal object.