Good employees are the things that keep your business running, and good blood is the thing that keeps your employees running. Still, when you see blood all over an office, your first thought isn’t, “hey, looks productive in there!” No, you think, "LEAVE AND NEVER LOOK BACK!"
But hold on: you’re a businessman. You can’t just run away from your problems. No, you’ve got to use what we here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership call “The 3 A’s”: Acknowledge, Assess, And-then-do-something-about-it. The hyphens make it one word. That starts with an A.
Need some help getting started? No problem! Here’s how you’d carry out the 3 A’s for few common bloody office situation:
1. You find bloody handprints on the water cooler.
Say, “Whoa, those are bloody handprints,” out loud, in case someone else saw them and thought, “Wait, am I going crazy? Are there really bloody handprints on that water cooler or am I going crazy?”
Taste the blood to make sure it’s actually blood. If you’re not totally sure if it tastes like blood, ask someone to taste it for a second opinion. But cut it off there, because a typical bloody handprint doesn’t have enough blood for a whole office to taste.
Your first instinct will be to ask around in order to find out whose handprints they are. DON’T DO THAT! The handprints might be a symptom of some disease, like stigmata hands, so asking about them would be a HIPAA violation. Instead, put some paper towel next to the water cooler, and make it company policy that you need to wipe your hands before getting a drink.
2. There is a message in blood written across the mirror in the bathroom.
Look at the message with both eyes first. Then close one eye, and look at the message some more. This second part really won’t help you acknowledge the message; it’s just good to see how one-eyed people live once in a while.
Ask yourself, “Is this blood actually spelling out words? Or is it just shaped sort of like words, like how clouds are shaped like dogs sometimes?” If the answer is, “The blood is clearly spelling words,” proceed to the next A.
Don’t jump to conclusions here about why someone would use blood to leave a message. You never know: maybe the person who wrote it had something really important to say, but they didn’t have a marker. Respond to the message with a message of your own, stating that notes written in blood can come across as creepy, so maybe consider a different viscous liquid next time. Write that message in gravy to demonstrate your point.
3. You hear employees talking about something and one of them says the word “bloody.”
Point at the employee who said bloody, and say, “Hey, you said ‘bloody’ just now.” If you’re in the kitchen preparing lunch when you do this, make sure the hand you use to point at the employee isn’t holding a knife. This can be viewed as “intimidating,” especially by wusses.
Check if the employee in question is British or just one of those people who likes to pretend he’s British.
If the employee is real-deal British, promote him to be the guy who gives presentations to potential investors because British people always sound so smart. If he’s not really British but just wishes he was, leave him alone; he’ll be really annoying to talk to any further. In either case, this should explain that time when you got confused and thought the Governor was around.
This is what we got. Let us know if you found it all helpful or if you have any other issues you need help with in the comments.