We're all overweight, and it's driving this company to insolvency.
The higher ups have determined that our collective morbidity costs the company hundreds of millions of dollars per month in insurance premiums. HR has devised a way to ameliorate this problem: enforcing diets based on the geological history of the Earth.
You may be familiar with the Paleolithic Diet, which proscribes consumption of any foods that would not have been available to humans during their evolutionary history, such as cultivated grains, dairy, and processed foods. However, there are several alternative options:
THE MIOCENE DIET (23-5 million years ago)
As you should know, folks, modern apes had not yet appeared by the Miocene. Therefore, your diet and lifestyle must reflect our most direct ancestor: A tree-living monkey that caught large tropical insects with its hands and preternaturally large eyes. PLEASE NOTE THAT THE OFFICE WILL NOT SUPPLY LARGE TROPICAL INSECTS. YOU MUST HUNT THEM YOURSELVES WITH YOUR GRASPING PAWS.
THE NEOPROTEROZOIC DIET (1000-542 million years ago)
Multi-celled organisms first appeared during this era, though Chordates (organisms with a notochord) had not yet emerged. You know what that means: NO VERTEBRATES ALLOWED. You can eat as many sponges and soft-bodied bag-like organisms as you want. In terms of activity, limit yourself to floating via ocean currents until you happen upon prey.
THE HADEAN DIET (4567.17 - 3800 million years ago)
The name of this epoch derives from the Greek "Hades," for the hellish conditions on Earth that were wholly unsuitable for life. The molton surface of the planet was constantly bombarded by extraterrestrial asteroids and comets, there being no protective atmosphere surrounding the Earth. Employees who choose this diet with receive full remuneration of their insurance premiums.
PLEASE NOTE: These diets are mandatory for all employees and will be enforced at threat of termination. However, you can choose which diet best suits your lifestyle - a coddling none of you walruses deserve.
- Bye -
Katherine Tull-Potts, BA