Our resident seer, mystic, and astrologer Jason Toon once again opens his oracular orifice and pushes out these highly refined visions of what the week holds in store for you. It's the horoscope that would rather be specific than merely correct!...
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): A long-simmering issue between you and a close friend will be resolved by fighting with bicycle chains.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your lucky Vitamin Water flavor: Coco-Refresh.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Unexpected events will force you to reconsider which hat truly is your favorite hat.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Focus on purity, clarity, and strength, especially as regards methamphetamines.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You and former Boston Mayor Raymond Flynn will collaborate on a jukebox musical celebrating the songs of REO Speedwagon.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The next animal that gives birth on your couch won't be the one you expect.
LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): Questions of duty and tradition come to the fore this week, assuming you are a samurai.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When challenged to name all the NBA teams, you will once again fail to remember the Milwaukee Bucks.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your lucky Greek Army rank: Tagmatarchis.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Good fortune awaits if you wear a bow tie, but not around your neck.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will see TV's Lauren Graham perform emergency dental surgery on a fellow airline passenger.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Maybe it's time to cool it with the kale chips for a little while.
WARNING: These divinations are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!