WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

Staff


Our resident seer, mystic, and astrologer Jason Toon once again opens his oracular orifice and pushes out these highly refined visions of what the week holds in store for you. It's the horoscope that would rather be specific than merely correct!...

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): A long-simmering issue between you and a close friend will be resolved by fighting with bicycle chains.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your lucky Vitamin Water flavor: Coco-Refresh.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Unexpected events will force you to reconsider which hat truly is your favorite hat.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Focus on purity, clarity, and strength, especially as regards methamphetamines.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You and former Boston Mayor Raymond Flynn will collaborate on a jukebox musical celebrating the songs of REO Speedwagon.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The next animal that gives birth on your couch won't be the one you expect.

LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): Questions of duty and tradition come to the fore this week, assuming you are a samurai.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When challenged to name all the NBA teams, you will once again fail to remember the Milwaukee Bucks.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your lucky Greek Army rank: Tagmatarchis.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Good fortune awaits if you wear a bow tie, but not around your neck.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will see TV's Lauren Graham perform emergency dental surgery on a fellow airline passenger.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Maybe it's time to cool it with the kale chips for a little while.

WARNING: These divinations are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!

thumperchick


quality posts: 245 Private Messages thumperchick

*Googles "Tagmatarchis"*

fungalpanic


quality posts: 0 Private Messages fungalpanic

"GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Unexpected events will force you to reconsider which hat truly is your favorite hat."

That is crazy, I just bought an awesome new hat on Myhabit.com that is coming this week.

CatCK


quality posts: 50 Private Messages CatCK

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Good fortune awaits if you wear a bow tie, but not around your neck.

Hmmm, I am a Capricorn. Wondering just where to put that bow tie. Maybe a clip-on? OUCH.

diverkiwi


quality posts: 0 Private Messages diverkiwi

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Focus on purity, clarity, and strength, especially as regards methamphetamines.
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines!" LOL

meestergud


quality posts: 2 Private Messages meestergud

As a good scorpio, I try to forget most of the NBA teams. In TX, you get a face-full of Mavs, Rockets, and Spurs (named alphabetically to avoid conflict where I would have to sneak attack you scorpio-style), but college football is in full swing right now, so it's easier to avoid.

MeesterGud

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag
CatCK wrote:CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Good fortune awaits if you wear a bow tie, but not around your neck.

Hmmm, I am a Capricorn. Wondering just where to put that bow tie. Maybe a clip-on? OUCH.



Technically, I guess a clip-on wouldn't even be "around your neck" even if it's at the collar, but a lot of people also would say that it's not really a tie.

Myself, I'm going between the toes, under the assumption that the good fortune is going to fall on my foot.

Otherwise, for Leo and Aquarius, those are ridiculously specific.

jemrkr


quality posts: 0 Private Messages jemrkr

These are hilarious!

I had to text Aries to my partner and Aquarius to my brother. My partner replied that she doesn't even have any bicycle chains so her close friend must come armed. My brother replied, "That IS ridiculously specific! What would Lauren Graham be doing flying coach?"

Do you do these every week? If so, I'm going to have to check in more often.

Edit: Just found the one from last week. That seals it. I'm checking in on Mondays, for sure.

jessiferr


quality posts: 7 Private Messages jessiferr

The Leo one is especially creepy because I am a Leo and also from Boston... hahaha