Once again, the stars have whispered their secrets into the adept ear of our resident soothsayer, Jason Toon. What did they have to say? Read on as Jason translates for the oracularly impaired...
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Your lucky Yankee Candle scent: Fluffy Towels.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): You will be unable to extract yourself from an exhausting conversation about DIY beekeeping.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Financial security tip: start saving now to buy as many copies of the final print edition of Newsweek as you can afford.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): You better tell Jared and them to get over to Phyllis's garage and clean up that oil they spilled or Vernon's gonna take it out on Sherry and the kids.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Remember: there's no problem in your life that can't be dealt with by hysterical sobbing.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This is an auspicious week to check the contents of every old CD-R in the drawers of your desk.
LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): Do not trust anyone who reminds you, in any way, of guinea fowl.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): To get noticed at work, be prepared for any opportunity to do your impression of Andre 3000.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This week, you will think you've started to figure out cricket. You haven't.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Do not inquire into the true source of that leak under your kitchen sink. The truth will only leave you more confused.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your lucky '90s dance craze: the Tootsee Roll.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): This is the week to throw caution to the wind and follow your bliss, unless your bliss involves staged animal fights of any kind.
WARNING: These divinations are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!