WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

COMPANY:

Join me in congratulating Senior Manager of Sales Stan Pinkard and Junior Account Executive Jeff Adams on escaping their corporeal prisons this week and migrating their souls to the bodies of senior management. Both employees have abandonded the tormenting mundanity of Saṃsāra (daily life) and ascended to Moksa, the blissful state of the soul. Stan will now occupy a body that will oversee Sales, and Jeff will report directly to the Executive Board as a VP demigod.

For new employees who may be familiar with our system of life and rebirth, we use a JAIN CONCEPTION OF KARMA for all promotions and demotions. If you come from an office which measured ascendency on the great hierarchy of Earth's beings under a Hindu, Buddhist, or Sikh karmic system: THROW OUT EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNOW ABOUT SAMSARA.

THE JAINISM GIST:

  • Moral action within the office is the basis by which transmigration of the soul occurs between positions. The soul we attribute to Stan Pinkard is eternal, and will be transmigrated to his new VP body.
  • The cycle of rebirth (Saṃsāra) is suffering.
  • Evil action can cause DEMOTION within the cosmic hierarchy. Indeed, assistant to the CEO Stephanie Albrecht has, through misdeed after misdeed, been transmigrated to the body of an intern, while Alex the intern's soul will be transmigrated to that of a MOTH or WORM.
  • A soul endowed with the three jewels of enlightenment (right faith, knowledge and conduct) will ford the river of Saṃsāra and land on the shores of Moksa (the eighth floor) as a Tirthankaras (Senior Manager).

This isn't complicated, folks. Just hew your conduct to reverberate with the universal harmony of the timeless universe, and you'll be fine. DO NOT EMAIL ME WITH QUESTIONS about achieving enlightenment, folks. I'm your office manager, not your Acharya.

- Bye -

Katherine Tulls-Potts, BA
Office Manager

kuroneko512


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kuroneko512

As a religious studies major I think this post is awesome! I love how you used key concepts in Jainism to describe the office promotion system! I'm geeking out right now! Congratulations to Stan & Jeff! :D

EssenGrabow


quality posts: 3 Private Messages EssenGrabow

Hey Biff, er, I mean Katherine. Ever since you moved on, we have been unable to enter the 7th circle of Hell (Basement storage locker). You don't happen to remember where you left the keys, do you?

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag

I'm very concerned with the efficacy of this system. If we don't know if Alex is a moth or a worm, then obviously his (and, presumably, all of our) actions were not set against an objective and unambiguous standard. Our dharma or adharma can't just be left up to random chance.

Also, the men's room is labeled Urdhva Loka, which is seriously misleading.