quality posts: 16 Private Messages WootBot


I know you have all been anticipating the newest version of the Employee Handbook with bated breath. Unfortunately, the Employee Handbook Re-Writing Sub-Committee chairperson, Ari Knewell, incorrectly booked the conference room using the new Outlook tool (which requires solving several riddles of increasing difficulty) and the 2013 version was pushed back a full week. I would apologize for this delay, but I'm not in the habit of covering for other people's GROSS RIDDLE OVERSIGHT.


The 2013 handbook has undergone a MAJOR OVERHAUL, and is now a word-for-word facsimile of 1994 Newberry Medal winner The Giver. YOU ARE ALL EXPECTED TO READ THE GIVER BY THE END OF THE WEEK.

If you have never read this modern classic, LISTEN UP: It provides a succinct, powerful illustration of the BENEFITS and SUSTAINABILITY of a small community from which emotions, color, and personal heterogeneity have been STRIPPED.

Even though this book is written at a 7th-grade level, I expect this exceeds many of your literary capacities. Because I'm too nice, I will provide a summary of the main points. THIS IS NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO READING THE BOOK, FOLKS.

  • All employees will take pills to suppress their emotional and sexual "stirrings." This policy is unchanged from previous Employee Handbooks.
  • The office will have one "Receiver of Memory" who stores previous memories. As office manager, I will naturally assume this position. *YOU'RE WELCOME*
  • All employees will be limited to one son and one daughter offspring. Surplus offspring will be "released."

Do you have any questions? Then you clearly haven't been taking your pills.


Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager


quality posts: 4 Private Messages EssenGrabow

Ummmm....... I'm out of pills, and I can't remember where to get them???


quality posts: 2 Private Messages ibihab

I respect the authority and clarity of management, my issued supply of pills only come in the red or blue variety. Instructions on which to take and or the intended quantity are noticeably missing. How am I to decide on my own? Please advise.


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag

I don't know how I feel about this. The year we used Brave New World as the employee handbook, I seem to recall it not ending well.

And don't even get me started on 1984, a.k.a. The Year of A Separate Peace (a missed opportunity if ever I heard one), but we're still trying to clean off that damned tree. And the out-of-touch CEO keeps screaming "out damned spot" like the dog is even there...