Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

CHICAGO (UPI) -- The Chicago Department of Transportation has declared this weekend "Potholepalooza," a three-day festival of reporting potholes.

In keeping with the city-wide theme, all bars will charge $16 for a small plastic cup of beer, and anyone leaving the city will not be allowed back in without a wristband.

 

Tasty festival beer

 

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- More U.S. voters believe President Obama is the Antichrist than think that the moon landing was a hoax, a poll released Tuesday said.

Americans are split on whether these findings mean they should be thrilled or depressed.

MOUNT CLEMENS, Mich. (UPI) -- Michigan police handled two bizarre incidents during the weekend, one involving a porcelain chicken and the other featuring two cans of marinara sauce.
PHOENIX (UPI) -- A Phoenix Fire Department official's lawsuit against the city alleges he was reassigned for complaining about sexually explicit pasta shapes.

Until further notice, all public servants must immediately cancel pasta night.

Late Night Puttanesca

 

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Hollywood actor Matt Damon's upcoming sci-fi flick "Elysium" is about how rich people escape to a space station after Earth is ruined by pollution and poverty.

Hollywood insiders are already lamenting how the film could win next year's Best Documentary, if only they didn't want to keep the poor from knowing about their space stations.

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (UPI) -- Former adult film star Jenna Jameson was arrested and cited for battery after she allegedly attacked someone in Newport Beach, Calif., police said.

A spokesperson said she was arrested for battery because her movies got him all charged up! And then added it was also because she hit somebody.

Tasty festival beer from Abi Skipp and Late Night Puttanesca from Mr Michael Phams are used under a Creative Commons License.