Nitetigrezz


quality posts: 3 Private Messages Nitetigrezz

I have no idea if there's already a thread for this, but just in case....

There are times when, amongst the jokes, quips, trolls, and memes, someone somewhere will write up something woot-related that looks publish-worthy. Sometimes they're silly, sometimes fun, sometimes heart-warming, sometimes thought-provoking, always a pleasure to read. Here's one place to share them all.

~ First ever Book of Cheats ~ 7/11/2014 ~ 104.9/2000

Nitetigrezz


quality posts: 3 Private Messages Nitetigrezz

This one came from 'Stupid Ballad of Woot' found in EBW.

daveinwarshington wrote:No. THIS is a ballad...

Gonna tell ya a little story 'bout a place named woot.
A discount shopping place where you can buy some loot.
And then one day, while shopping for new chaps.
All of a sudden I was buying a sack of crap.
Bag of it, that is...
Texas air...
Refurbished things...

Well, the first thing you know, I was waiting for my box.
I sat outside, while eating bagels and lox.
All of a sudden, I saw the mail truck come.
I grabbed the box, tore it open, and saw a pack of gum.
Juicy Fruit, that is...
Extra chewy...
Sooo good...

I dug a little deeper, and there before my eyes.
Refurbished crap was there, and a box of wire ties.
I was screaming with delight, and jumping in the air.
I'll always shop a woot, there's nothing to compare.



~ First ever Book of Cheats ~ 7/11/2014 ~ 104.9/2000

Nitetigrezz


quality posts: 3 Private Messages Nitetigrezz

This was the one that got me hoping such things could be found in one place. Found in 'Did you get Crap from Woot's 10th birthday bash? Post here!' in WoW.

osueng02 wrote:That is pretty nuts. It is kind of crazy to think of 4 trailers of woot crap.

Hope no one goes Fast and Furious on one of the trucks . . . or maybe that would be a great movie.

Someone steals a trailer of bags of crap, takes it back to their hideout, and . . . someone with more creativity than me can fill in the rest.



wesoloid wrote:Jones couldn't stop grinning as Rush closed the door to the abandoned hanger, the crew's unlikely but suspiciously convenient base of operations.

"We've done it, boys," he said slowly, eyes drinking in the sight of the semi. He could feel the heat of the road radiating off the truck, warming the hanger's cool interior. He reached up and stroked the exclamation mark emblazoned on the trailer's side. "The motherlode."

Austin leapt down from the cab, wiping sticky, drying blood off on his coveralls. "You sure about this boss?"

Jones hefted his bolt-cutters in his hands, walking slowly around the trailer toward the back. "Have I ever steered you wrong?"

Austin and Rush shared a dubious glance but followed Jones to the back of the trailer. "Uh, no offense, boss, but steering's my job, if you know what I mean," Austin said. He'd been unsure about this score from the beginning, and to be perfectly honest, Jones had actually 'steered them wrong' a time or two before.

Jones glared at him. Austin swallowed nervously and eventually averted his eyes. Satisfied, Jones lifted the bolt-cutters and broke open the lock on the back of the trailer. A moment later, the back of trailer swung open. Jones stared up at the contents. Boxes upon boxes. Upon boxes.

"Finally," he whispered. "So many years, so much frustration, so many late, fruitless nights, and I've finally got you. All of you. All of the bandoleers."

"The what?" Rush asked.

"Nothing. Shut up and get unloading."

***

Hours later, Jones sat on the floor, sobbing. He hadn't slept. None of them had. Just one more box, he kept telling them. Just one more, and it would all be worth it. The floor was hidden by aged swimsuit calendars and the monkeys never. stopped. screaming. Jones had finally become accustomed to the unending din. Rush hadn't been so lucky. An hour ago, a snowglobe had broken open and started the army of leakfrogs croaking. Rush had been curled in a ball ever since, rocking back and forth, blowing one of the emergency whistles non-stop.

Jones ran his hands through their ankle deep pool of little army men and dried his tears on a pair of extra small soccer shorts while a battalion of Roombas roamed around him, sucking up the debris of their score and occasionally choking themselves to death on bags of Texas air.

"Here's a heavy one," Austin said nearby, tearing into an oddly shaped box. Jones didn't even look up as his crony dug into the box, tossing aside a miniature cummerbund and a pair of sunglasses that actually looked fairly pricey. Then there was an unfamiliar metallic jingle, the sound of something heavy hanging from a chain.

"Finally," grunted Austin. "Somethin' useful."

Jones looked up and saw Austin standing over him with a maniacal grin, a medieval flail gripped in his hand. Jones lowered his head, digging his hands into the bag of zipties at his feet, just to feel them against his skin.

It was glorious. It was all glorious, right down to the crappiest piece of ceramic sample tile and random restaurant menu. He'd gotten the bags of crap. He'd gotten them all. And it was everything he'd ever dreamed.

Austin swung.



~ First ever Book of Cheats ~ 7/11/2014 ~ 104.9/2000

Nitetigrezz


quality posts: 3 Private Messages Nitetigrezz

I don't know if write-ups should count, but when you have "Officer Krumpke" from West Side Story playing in the background, this one is truly epic:

Deeeeear kindly Mr. Einstein
There’s something on our mind
They’re naturally around us
But not fully defined
Our mom say they’re just baryons
Our dads say they’re grouped quarks
Newton’s Cradle!
How do protons work?

Gee, Professor Einstein, we’re slightly upset
As no one’s ever seen spon-tan-e-ous decay yet
Special relativity
Predicted the mass
Which comes from gluons speeding past.

Speeding past!

Speeding past, speeding past
Like an overpass
It’s the par-ticle field adding mass!

That’s a good theory!
Let me present it to the world!
Not now, you’ve got a Chemistry class!

Deeeeear pleasant Dr. Rutherford
The changeover is rough
Instead of every atom
You only mean H+!
You say they bond when chilly
By which you mean the Sun!
Jumpin’ Mendeleev!
This class ain’t no fun!

Right! Rutherford, I say, you’re really obtuse!
This nomenclature system only serves to exclude!
We’ll call it a hydron, then maybe we’ll see
Papers the average joe can read.

Guys like me!

Guys like me, guys like me
Who aren’t royalty
Can enjoy a particle’s beauty!

In the opinion of this peer review board, this young man’s theory is drastically unstable and he needs extra time to re-think his conclusions.
You mean my paper’s been waived on account it’s contrived?
Maybe you need to talk to Richard Feynman!

IIIIIII’m not so bad with “Star Trek”
I technobabble fine
But terms like “dipole moment”
Make me break out in hives!
It’s not that I’m not trying
But science just fights back!
Strunk and White!
What is it that I lack?

Yes! You stodgy professors, right here is the point!
We’ve aimed work just at experts, not dudes at strip joints!
We’re all made from science, it’s there if we try
So let’s give examples that apply!

Let ‘em fly!

They’ll apply, they’ll apply, not just dead white guys
Let’s do crazy things that will excite!

In my opinion, the world doesn’t truly know a thing until we can make it simple enough to go on a t-shirt.
Should we call them scien-tee-sts?
I think you’ll need to speak with a designer about that.

Deeeear lovely shirt designer
I’m thinking we use blue
Some statement scientific
But not too hard to prove!
We’ll hint it’s for the left brained
But aim at it the right!
Volney Palmer!
That’s the way we fight!

Oh, Spirit of Warhol, how did we get here?
Einstein made it just a bit too elegant, I fear!
In five little char’cters he summed up his thoughts
Now slogans are what people want!

We want stunts!

We want stunts, we wants stunts, easy swallowed stunts
We can quote them back and go to lunch!

The trouble is with physics!
The trouble is with words!
The trouble’s in the teachers!
The trouble’s kids won’t learn!
The trouble’s we don’t know yet!
The trouble’s we need proof!

This is all the fault of William Prout!

Dear Hard Science people, stop acting arcane!
We know you’ve all been blessed with those superior brains
You solve grand equations that sometimes are true,
Just translate it later
Won’t you?

~ First ever Book of Cheats ~ 7/11/2014 ~ 104.9/2000

daveinwarshington


quality posts: 17 Private Messages daveinwarshington

To woot, or not to woot.
That is the question.
Whether tis nobler to buy woot crap.
Buying knives, arrows, t-shirts and computers,
Always seeking that Big ol' Catapult.


Hmmm... This is going to be way too long...

Nitetigrezz


quality posts: 3 Private Messages Nitetigrezz
daveinwarshington wrote:To woot, or not to woot.
That is the question.
Whether tis nobler to buy woot crap.
Buying knives, arrows, t-shirts and computers,
Always seeking that Big ol' Catapult.


Hmmm... This is going to be way too long...



I swear to all that's woot, if you actually complete that, I will do everything in my power to find a way for the woot gods to smile favorably on you o.o

~ First ever Book of Cheats ~ 7/11/2014 ~ 104.9/2000

Nitetigrezz


quality posts: 3 Private Messages Nitetigrezz

33 O Woot Gods, Woot Gods! wherefore art thy Birthday of Celebrations
34 Deny eight thousand wooters every time;
35 Or, if thou wilt not, please send over mine,
36 And I'll no longer be a virgin wooter.

Hrm, I wonder how much of the scene I could do this to....

~ First ever Book of Cheats ~ 7/11/2014 ~ 104.9/2000

Nitetigrezz


quality posts: 3 Private Messages Nitetigrezz

I guess this thread put me in a mood. Posted Derby #364: $10k Cup, Round 2: Style

mitchellp wrote:So how can I vote on this? I don't see any voting buttons?



Nitetigrezz wrote:Sorry to have to say
You're late to the game
Voting is closed now
Artists will soon be paid

But keep your eyes peeled
Things are about to get real
The new derby is almost open
Once the winner is revealed



~ First ever Book of Cheats ~ 7/11/2014 ~ 104.9/2000

daveinwarshington


quality posts: 17 Private Messages daveinwarshington

He sat in the dimly lit room.
Staring at the monitor, only the sound of a keyboard could be heard.
He sat, patiently, waiting.
Waiting for what? He sat.
Then a flurry of activity.
He typed and typed like a madman.
“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! NOT AGAIN”, he screamed…
“Why do I always get stuck in the ‘Antechamber of Doom’?”
There was a moment of mumbling, then silence.
Later, the sound of the keyboard resumed.

daveinwarshington


quality posts: 17 Private Messages daveinwarshington

There once was a guy who shopped woot.
He'd buy purple t-shirts and boots.
When he tried to buy crap,
He'd fall asleep and nap.
Now he only buys items that toot.

daveinwarshington


quality posts: 17 Private Messages daveinwarshington

I think that I will get a tan,
While waiting to play woot manhands.
To win is tough, don't you see,
Oh no, it's starting & I gotta go pee.
If, with skill, the object you know,
You'll get a manhand emblem to display and show.

Nitetigrezz


quality posts: 3 Private Messages Nitetigrezz

Screw it, I'm proud of what I did, so I'll post it here:

In reference to THIS, though with a few small tweaks after I had time to mull it over.



This is my tardis. There aren't any like it, but this one is mine.

My tardis is my best friend. She is my life. I must respect her as I must respect my life.

My tardis, without me, is useless. Without my tardis, I am useless. I must guide my tardis true. I must travel faster than my enemy who is trying to destroy existance. I must outsmart him before he outsmarts me. I will...

My tardis and I know that what counts in life is not the sights we see, the noise of our whurring, nor the commotion we make. We know that it is the people that count. We will save...

My tardis is alive, even as I, because she is my life. Thus, I will learn her as a sister. I will learn her weaknesses, her strength, her parts, her accessories, her panels and her engine. I will keep my tardis clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before all that's good, I swear this creed. My tardis and I are the defenders of this universe. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of their lives.

So be it, until victory is ours and there is no enemy, but peace!

~ First ever Book of Cheats ~ 7/11/2014 ~ 104.9/2000