Dear Business Jerk: I’m a thought-leading ideator whose sage advice is sought by everyone I meet. How do I ditch these losers “politely” or whatever?

Seriously, Business Jerk, life’s not easy when your every word and action radiates sheer brilliance. Wanna-bes, hangers-on, and lookie-loos are constantly beseeching me to “grab coffee sometime” – yeah, right, YOU WISH. I’m busy launching the next great Internet startup (think LinkedIn meets last.fm… for cats). You want me to spray my wisdom all over your face, it’s gonna cost you a lot more than a blackberry chai mocha.

How do I send these nobodies the message that my time is more valuable than theirs because, in fact, I am more valuable than them, without closing the door to a future relationship if they turn out to matter?

Signed,
Distinguished, Busy, Affluent Guy

Dear DBAG,

You’re right – it can get so tiresome when our social inferiors demand a modicum of respect for their humanity. You could always try some of the standard answers to the grab-coffee-sometime problem, like asking would-be coffee-grabbers to submit a list of their desired outcomes prior to your consideration of any coffee-grabbing request, or telling them that you don’t drink coffee since Juan Valdez murdered your parents.

Immediately asking them if they know where you can score heroin will probably release you from any obligation to meet, but may backfire in terms of your professional reputation. And on the off-chance they’re still interested, your situation just got even more awkward.

So here’s our subtle solution:

1. Stockpile some cheap, unattractive 2011 wall calendars, like the one from Woot. For some reason, it features images of t-shirts sold by Woot in the past, most of which their audience didn’t want in the first place. And wait until at least the middle of January to buy one, because anyone with any sense already has a 2011 calendar at that point and Woot will be practically giving them away.

2. Have your local print shop order you a small rubber stamp with a message like “TOO BUSY FOR YOU” or “SORRY, NOT TODAY EITHER”. Be creative!

3. Stamp that message on every single day in the calendar.

4. Send that calendar to the person requesting the meeting, perhaps with a note like “Here are the days I’m available.” To really make the point that you don’t waste any time on anything, overnight it.

Problem solved! Sure, it’ll take you a while to do this, but once you’ve done it, you’ll never again have to worry about that parasite draining your valuable time with their petty, antlike concerns. And if someday that person becomes someone you would like to use, well, you gave them a free calendar! They owe you!

Stay caffeinated,
The Business Jerk

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