These Star Wars Film Cells are an exciting collectable memory from the classic film series that changed the world. But what can you do with them? We’ve prepared a few examples that we hope will win you over.

If you’re the sort of die-hard fan who has a special room devoted to all things Star Wars, you probably already know exactly where you’ll be putting your Star Wars Film Cells. You’re probably not even reading this writeup. You’re over at the big button hammering on it like the sand people hammered on Luke’s skull, trying to get your choice of a framed cell from A New Hope, Return of the Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones or Revenge of the Sith.

However, for those of you who are just casual fans, you’re probably wondering “What in God’s name am I going to do with a framed cell from a Star Wars movie? Why would I even need that?” Well, get ready to learn, padawan.

Reason IV: To Bring Hope

How many times have you heard someone complain about the changes Lucas made to the Star Wars universe? How many times have you heard someone wish the Special Editions could be gathered up and burned? Well, here’s your chance to take one for the team! Every one of the Star Wars Film Cells that you buy is a Star Wars Film Cell that’s off the market forever. Lock them in your basement! Hide them in your garage! With a little perseverance and a lot of disposable income, you might even be able to assemble several reels of actual Star Wars film, which you can then burn in the name of future generations! Imagine the smiles on your friends faces when you tell them what you’re trying to do. They might even offer to help. You’ll be remembered forever.

Reason V: Make An Avant-Garde Film

Each Star Wars Film Cell collectable has a few strips of a real film cell inside. Maybe you’ll get Darth Vader. Maybe you’ll get a tauntaun. That part doesn’t matter, really. Just get a bunch of Star Wars Film Cells together. Then all you’ll need is some tape, and a friend who makes beats, and you’re looking at a tiny little film that parodies our nation’s obsession with Hollywood, or something like that. Good art is all about reading the market anyway. And who could resist Star Wars art? Fill it with a nice mix of intelligence and geek-friendly darkness and you’ll pack that museum full, making you the next big thing. Remember, if Matthew Barney can do it, so can you.

Reason VI: Add Even More Effects

Han shot first? Greedo shot first? Yoda shot first? It’s up to you! Once you get some Star Wars Film Cells in your hands, break out the magic markers and do it up however you want. Then, the moment you’re finished, put it right back into that frame, beside the descriptive plaque and the certificate of authenticity, and tell everyone that your way is the right way. After all, a good myth isn’t about what happened, it’s about what you can change over time.

Reason I: Control The Trade

There are a lot of diamonds in the world. A whole lot of diamonds. It’s just that one company more or less controls the supply. Why can’t you do the same thing? By buying up a huge number of these Star Wars Film Cells, and then forcing undereducated natives to help you get the rest through violence and economic cruelty, you could very well wind up the only source for Star Wars Film Cells. Imagine the power that would bring you among fans and non-fans alike! Of course, you might wind up with warrants for your arrest in multiple countries, but honestly, that’s a pretty cool problem to have, don’t you think? Like that guy in the Cantina who got his arm cut off. He was awesome.

Reason II: Get A Space Hamburger

Diners are a great place to meet people. With a few Star Wars Film Cells under your arm, you’ve always got a conversation piece. And think about how much money you could save if you stopped smoking those little “death sticks”. Why, in just a week or so, you’d have enough to cover your Star Wars Film Cells purchase in full!

Reason III: Let’s Just Get It The Hell Over With

Look, we all know the ending. There’s not really any surprise or twist. Why not just jump in and be done with it? With some Star Wars Film Cells in your home, you’ll have a badge of honor that tells visitors that yes, you survived it all, and you did it with class. No one could ever take that sort of victory away from you. Not even in an editing bay.

We’ve also written Reasons VII, VIII, and IX (honest, we knew them from the very start!) but we’re not going to release them just yet. Maybe a few decades from now. Because, really, why do you need to know them right now? What? You want to know them? You want to know them right now?

Well… okay. Here’s the deal, then. You buy all these Star Wars Film Cells and we’ll tell you. Okay? Okay. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got a date with… our sister? Oh, man, gross. Didn’t anybody storyboard this thing?

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