Son, if you had questions about girls, you could have just come to me and asked, you know.

Son, I know this is uncomfortable to talk about with your old man, but I need you to put down the video game controller and pay attention to me for a moment. No, you’re not in trouble, it’s just that your mother feels you and I need to have a conversation about, well, some new and strange feelings you might be feeling. See, buddy, there comes a time in every young man’s life where…

Aw, forget it. I’m just gonna level with you. Your mom found your smooching pig under your mattress.

Whoa, hey, settle down, kiddo. I’ve already had a talk with your mom about privacy, but some of this is your own fault. You can’t just lock yourself in your room for hours and not expect her to get suspicious. She could hear the kissing sounds it makes right through the door, too. And when she saw the red fabric on the lips was almost worn away, she freaked.

Look, I get that you want to practice kissing. You don’t have to be embarrassed about that, okay? I did the same thing when I was your age. Well, not the same thing. I didn’t particularly need light up cheeks, pink plush, and brown stitched hooves when I was kissing my hand. You… don’t need light up cheeks, pink plush, and brown stitched hooves, do you? Oh, good. I thought we’d have to have a whole other conversation for a moment.

Well, uh, good talk, buddy. I think we made some real progress or something. No, don’t worry about your mom. Leave her to me. Oh, and son? Your mattress is literally the worst place to hide stuff. Just a tip from me to you.

Back to top