Real Life is Passing Me By, Thank Goodness

People say to me, they say: “Francis, your life is passing you by. You spend all day with those Maximo iMetal earphones jammed in your hear-holes, listening to who-knows-what, and all the while real life is leav- Francis? Hey, Francis. Francis, can you even hear me? FRANCIS. FRANCIS.”

At this, I usually just look up and shrug, pointing at the sides of my head, as if to say “sorry, I can’t hear you; I’ve got Maximo iM-490 stereo earphones in my ears.”

I’m sure these busybody buttinski types suppose they’ve got my best interests in mind. I’m sure they think they’re being helpful. But you know what? So do door-to-door proselytizers. The fact is, if your life was as much of a drag as mine is, you’d want it “passing you by” too.

I’m sorry, but with my bad looks, my bad luck, my crummy job and my bleak prospects, the only way I can get through the day is with a constant dose of sonic anesthesia. My brain is taking cover between the lightweight alloy metal of these Maximo ear-pluggers with the complete works of Def Leppard on permanent repeat. That’s my routine, every day, from first thing in the morning to last thing at night—and I’m sticking to it until the time finally comes when I get to take one bud out to say “Doc, you know not to resuscitate me, right?”

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