Over the hill? Hey, this crap’s just gettin’ started!

Hey, I’m still just as good as I was back when I was Bag of Crap XXII. I’m just more experienced is all! I might have an ex-wife and two kids, but I’ve also got a great car, and a nineteen year old girlfriend. And I’m thinking about taking up hang gliding, too. My friends all call me crazy, but if you ain’t busy livin’, you’re busy dyin’, right?

Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that my brown paper bag is thinning a little on top, and I got some extra middle, but what Bag of Crap doesn’t? It’s distinguished, you know, it shows class. Wait, hang on, that’s my iPad mini ringing… oh, it’s just the ex-wife, nothing important. The kids are having some allergic reaction or something, I’ll just call her tomorrow. So, you doing anything right now? How about you and me and your friend the blonde all go for a drive in my Jaguar and end up in my hot tub? What about my nineteen year old girlfriend? Hey, she never has to know. Not interested? Whatever, your loss. I don’t have time for rejection, people are lining up to get a piece of this crap. Ciao, babe!

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.

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