Seriously. We might as well have some Lorem Ipsum here.

We love that you love the crap, honest we do. It’s just that, well, as writers we have all the ego of actors but like -50 charisma and visages generously described as “cave troll-esque”. So we like it when you guys read our silly little words and say things like, “That didn’t make me want to punch you in the face, Woot Writer!” Seriously. We all high five when that happens.

But we all cringe when it comes time to write up one of these things, because no one reads it. No one. You all just go leaping for the “I Want One!” button before the page even finishes loading and our servers crash and another 300-500 words is lost to the winds of time forever.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I wrote THIS much. People just saw the word “bag” at the top (or, worse, their soulless Woot-exploiting script-bot coldly and mechanically registered the proper keyword combination) and they scrambled to order. Well, fine.

But you’re all missing out on a great concept I had centering on the recent tension on the Korean peninsula, and it was going to be comedy GOLD!

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

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