It’s not easy to find the right monkey these days.

Mortimer: I don’t get it. I admit it. I don’t understand how romance happens. I see couples everywhere and I just cannot imagine how they got together.

Monte: Sigh… what is it this time?

Mortimer: I wore this supercool new black cape today, right? And I’m just stating a fact when I say I look irresistibly alluring in it. I mean, nobody can deny that.

Monte: OK, for the sake of argument, let’s say that.

Mortimer: So I go talk to that cute girl who sits by the paper shredder. Dropped this can’t-miss line about how her dad must work at a gas station because she was filling my heart with love gas. And guess what happened?

Monte: You got shredded.

Mortimer: She’s got a boyfriend. Can you believe that?

Monte: Sure. She’s gorgeous. Seems super-cool, too. And really smart. Frankly, I don’t understand why she’s stuck working in a dump like this with idiots like -

Mortimer: A boyfriend! A boyfriend not named me!

Monte: Well, there are plenty of other bananas on the plantation. Besides, women can sense when you’re desperate. Don’t push so hard. Just put yourself out there and let whatever happens, happen.

Mortimer: Yeah. You’re right. I’m lucky to be myself. That boyfriend of hers wishes he was me!

Monte: Except maybe for the part where he has a smoking hot, totally rad girlfriend.

Mortimer: Pfft! Big deal! I’ll have ten hot, rad girlfriends by this time tomorrow! I am a golden god, come to stride the Earth in monkey form!

Monte: Well, now, I’m not sure -

Mortimer: Inhale the rich musk of my masculine strength, ladies! Fall into languor upon my heady fumes, and if you catch my fancy, I shall favor you with my attentions!

Monte: OK, that’s cool, but maybe -

Mortimer: Those who dare to embrace my fierce jungle sensuality shall be rewarded with ecstasies beyond your wildest imaginings! Don’t wait – act now! Love operators are standing by!

Monte: Hey, hey, you remember what I said about putting yourself out there?

Mortimer: Remember it? I’m living it!

Monte: On second thought, what you really need to do is put yourself back in there.

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