So this Slacker Portable Radio promises to help me discover “new music”, huh? Who cares? Why do I need to hear “new music” when I already own the one album that encapsulates all that is rock ‘n’ roll – and, indeed, human creativity itself? I speak, of course, of Ratt’s 1985 magnum opus Invasion of Your Privacy. From the irresistible pop-metal sheen of “You’re In Love” to the killer twin-guitar assault of “Dangerous But Worth The Risk”, these ten tracks render all other music redundant.

Don’t bother telling me about how the Slacker Portable Radio offers more than 100 stations of music across all genres. I just don’t care that you can fine-tune stations by letting it know what songs you love or hate, or that you can store up to 15 custom stations. I’m not even gonna trouble myself to check out the free web-based Slacker Radio service. No matter how wide its range or sophisticated its algorithms, Slacker simply cannot surpass the array of emotions, moods, and bitchin’ riffage found on Invasion.

Get back to me when the “new music” crowd comes up with anything as awesome as the late Robbin Crosby’s slashing riff on “Never Use Love”, or the sensitive semi-acoustic weeper “Closer To My Heart”, which has been the wedding march at three of my four weddings, or the intensely erotic midtempo grind of MTV favorite “Lay It Down”. And that’s just on side one alone!

So if I’m not interested in the Slacker Free Service, with one or two ads an hour, you can bet your zebra-striped leotard I’m not about to pay $7.50 a month for the ad-free premium service. No, not even if it gives me unlimited track skips compared to the free service’s 6 skips per station per hour. Maybe for you, the Premium service’s option to save songs you like makes sense. For me, all I’d save would be tracks from Invasion of Your Privacy, and I already own those on vinyl, cassette, CD, MP3, MIDI, and mini-disc, plus the Japanese expanded CD edition. Not that I’ve ever listened to the bonus tracks. They’d only dilute the true Invasion of Your Privacy experience.

No, you go ahead and stumble around the arid fields of “new music” with your Slacker Portable Radio. Me, I found my music the moment I heard Warren DeMartini emerge as the supreme guitar shredder supreme, the moment Stephen Pearcy’s melodic wail “pearced” my ears, and my heart. You can go on and on about the Slacker Portable Radio’s vast selection and wireless convenience, but as Ratt would say, “You Should Know By Now” that I’m sticking with Invasion of Your Privacy.

Back to top