Mellllltiinnng

As one of the aliens from M. Night Shyamalan’s 2002 film Signs, it’s absolutely critical to me that I know when it’s going to rain. Oh, wait. You’ve seen M. Night Shyamalan’s 2002 film Signs, right? Or if you haven’t yet, you’re probably never going to, right?

Well, anyway, SPOILER ALERT: I’m acutely hydroallergic. Any contact with water is instantly fatal to me.

As it turns out, it’s not that uncommon for the conditions on the surface of one planet to be inhospitable to life forms from another planet. This is why your Earth astronauts wore “space suits” even to visit as nearby a neighbor as your moon. It turns out those “space suits” were a really clever idea. I wish my race had thought of something like that. But we don’t really wear clothes. It’s a cultural thing.

Now you’re probably thinking: “Hey, you dim-witted Shyamalien, Earth is covered in water. It is the singular distinction of this planet. Ask any planet in our solar system about Earth, and they’ll say ‘oh, you mean that planet with the water?’ It is the thing that makes life here possible. And you can see it from space. Most of the surface of the planet is submerged in the stuff. This is one soggy rock. How colossally stupid must you be to come here naked?”

To that I can only say that you make some excellent points, and it was our bad.

Anyway, now that I’m here, I rely on my Thermor Bios Home Weather Station to let me know when there’s a good chance of rain, which—let me tell you, you think you’ve got it bad having to reschedule your baseball games—to me that’s wet death cascading from the sky.

I’ve used a lot of weather stations, and this one might be my favorite, as it collects a lot of detailed data about meteorological conditions in the immediate area. It’s like having my own highly localized TV weather channel.

Some of my human neighbors up the block have the same unit, actually. They use theirs in the summer to help decide what’s a good day to go to the lake.

Here’s how I decide what’s a good day to go to the lake: Never.

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