The future is here! This is tomorrow! It’s perfect! It’s paradise! And it all plugs in to USB!

At last! This is the glorious techno-utopia we dreamed would one day arrive! The home computer, once merely a thing to play solitaire and write term papers on, is now at the center of a rich, modern lifestyle where pleasure is limitless, gratification is instantaneous, and cats can play the piano!

Anything you can dream of, your computer can do! And if it can’t, there’s probably a USB device for it! Take a look at these new and upcoming life-embettering doo-dads! They represent only a tiny sample of the infinite bounty that spews from the fulsome cornucopia of progress!

• The USB Mug Chiller/Warmer
  No longer must mankind suffer the hardship of warm drinks that are too cold—nor cold drinks that are too warm! This durable, compact monument to the feebleness of the human organism draws power from any available USB port—and uses it to create 100% pure luxury! AVAILABLE NOW!
• The USB Rolling Pencil
  Crafted to look just like an actual pencil, this device’s internal gyroscopes make it roll back and forth on your desk, creating the soothing, illusory sensation of being on a ship at sea! You’ll almost feel the motion of the waves as the Rolling Pencil clatters from one side of your desk to the other, and back! Note: the USB Rolling Pencil is an ambience enhancer only; it does not write. COMING SOON!
• The USB Mini Tower
  What hath science wrought! The “Mini Tower” is a cooling fan, an air purifier, and a convenient light, all in one! Someday soon, everyone on Earth will have one of these, and the combined air purification effect of all of them running simultaneously will reverse air pollution forever! Yes, we’re certain that’s how it would work. For a cooler breeze, fill the included bottle with ice water, and wonder how our species survived all those years before inventing this! AVAILABLE NOW!
• The USB Pepper Mill
  At the touch of a button, this pepper mill springs to life, asking “would you like some fresh-ground pepper?” in one of four selectable regional accents! Click your mouse to indicate “yes please” or “no, thank you,” and the USB mill grinds out some delicious, aromatic pepper! Or doesn’t, as per your instructions! COMING SOON!
• The USB Desktop Mini Paper Shredder
  Early computer users naively fantasized about a “paperless” world, in which digital copies would replace hard copies of all kinds of documents. How silly! Today’s computer user not only knows the value of printing pages from the web, but also the satisfaction of shredding them, almost immediately, with this USB-powered mini shredder! A perfect synthesis of ostentatious consumption and groundless paranoia! AVAILABLE NOW!
• The USB TootXQzer
  The TootXQzer is a USB-powered sonic emulator that can be programmed to make a wide variety of noises, either at random intervals or on command, that sound a bit like flatulence, but not exactly! Don’t blame your next involuntary release on a squeaky chair—use the TootXQzer! COMING SOON!
• The Lighted USB Mini Speaker Tower
  Inhabit a vivid soundscape in this little speaker’s line of fire! With dials for controlling the treble, bass, and volume, you can customize the noise with which you irritate your coworkers or roommates! AVAILABLE NOW!
• The USB Fan Light & Hub
  For the USB device user who has everything, it’s a fan, a light, and four more USB ports! With the FL&H, a gizmophile never has to choose between several equally pointless devices—he can use them all at once! Its toggle switch lets you choose whether to run the fan, the light, neither or both, so you’re ready for anything! As long as “anything” only means “still air, and/or a dim room.” AVAILABLE NOW!
• The USB Aquarium Heater (coming soon!)
  Maintain your tropical fish tank at the appropriate temperature while you email! Powered by any available USB port, this waterproof heater keeps tanks of up to 20 gallons within the optimum range for healthy fish! COMING SOON!

Truly, this is a charmed age, and we are fortunate to live in it! After centuries of tribulation, technology has vanquished human suffering forever! Gaze in wonder at these fruits from the tree of knowledge! Mark well that it was our generation which harvested them! Remember this period forever, for you will tell your children—and their children—that you were among the last of our species ever to drink a beverage at any temperature other than its ideal one! They’ll barely understand! Theirs will be an entirely new existence! Aye, from this point forward, there will be naught but total comfort!

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