Lo, it doth be 28 January, 1521. And thou’re watching Xtreem Christendom on thy Vizio 47” 1080p LCD HDTV.

Ho, well met, dear viewers! ‘Tis I, Johann Eck, assistant to the Archbishop of Trier and host of “The Fortnight Top Twenty” on Vatican Radio. Today on Xtreem Christendom, we’ll be giving thee our finest challenge yet to date. Tonight’s victor will be leaving full of pride, and shall also be taking home a refurbished Vizio 47” 1080p LCD HDTV! Is that not most fine indeed?

clapclapclapclap

Now, let us give greeting to the contestants! Playing for the house, his Eminence and reigning Xtreem Christendom champion, it’s Pope Leo X!

clapclapclapclap

And opposed to our most Holy Pope, we welcome a brand new challenger. All the way from the printing presses of Erfurt, it’s Martin Luther!

clapclapclapclap

Men, prepare thyselves, as we begin shortly. Now, for all the noble viewers at home, watching us on large 1080p LCD screens that meet or exceed Energy Star 4.1 guidelines, let it be broken down to the base elements of combat. First, Martin, thou hast three minutes to run up and down yon staircase ninety five times, each time nailing one of these theses to the cathedral door. Miss just one, and thou must to start all over again! Pope Leo X, while brave Martin is doing such a thing, thou hast to head over to this well full of gelatin and try to find the key to Urbino, at which point, you’ll give it to your brother over there. Remember, if one of thou two men finishes the physical challenge first, thy both are sworn to stop and move on, so it is in thy best interest to move quickly. The winner doth get ten points added to their tally.

Now, when the horn is sounded, it shall be time to proceed most celeritously toward the next station, here at our Vatican City level. Yon viewers at home with young children may want to take advantage of thy three built-in HDMI ports to attach an additional device, lest they see the atrocities of this next challenge. For our brave contestants now enter… the Diet of Worms!

clapclapclapclap

Yes, good fellows, thou art both compelled to proceed and devour as many worms as possible in the two minutes granted by our generous benefactor, Emperor Charles V. At the end of those two minutes, each of thy corporeal forms shall be weighed, and thusly, thou shalt be judged in consumption. And shortly thereafter, the winner shall receive a lovely refurbished Vizio 47” 1080p LCD HDTV!

Oh, the producers have asked me to point out that, in the event of a tie, the contest will be relocated to Ireland and continue for like fifty years or so, pretty much non-stop. So, art thou ready? Set? Gird thy loins, brave champions, for the Xtreem Christendom Diet of Worms challenge… has begun!

Back to top