This vacuum is perfect for picking up the pieces of my broken life.

After my wife left me, I lost my job,  an isolated earthquake struck my house, and my kids tried to burn down what was left of my house with me inside to collect life insurance,  I really didn’t know what to do. At first I thought I might go all Michael Douglas in Falling Down, but then I saw this sweet Dyson vacuum and my perspective shifted.

You hear the phrase “pick up the pieces of your life.” But it turned out that I really needed to pick up physical pieces of my destroyed former life. Luckily the Dyson’s 220 airwatts made short work of the fine china my wife had smashed against the walls and the general detritus left from the collapsed roof. Plus, the crevice tool let me clean thick black soot from both real and emotional hard-to-reach places.

The Dyson’s Root Cyclone technology separates dirt from air, and it doesn’t even need to use the filter! If that’s difficult to conceptualize, just imagine that my ex-wife is pure, sweet air, while I am disgusting, wretched dirt. And imagine that the Dyson vacuum is Jason, her personal-trainer-turned-lover who separated us. See? It’s not that complicated. And just like Jason, you can’t even hate the Dyson vacuum, because dammit it makes her happy.

Speaking of which, I would like to invite you to our wedding. Well, the Dyson and I, of course. It’s going to be a small ceremony, nothing major. How dare you call it a rebound! It’s been two weeks! Come on, Dyson, you don’t need to hear this.

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