If laptops could speed-date, this is the one that would be going home with all the phone numbers at the end of the night.

“So, uh, hi. I’ve never done this before. Kinda weird. Ninety seconds to get to know someone, it’s pretty crazy-”

Well, I have done this before, and you just wasted twelve of those seconds, so let’s cut to the chase. Hi. I’m the HP 17.3” Blu-ray Notebook.

“Uh, hi, sorry. I’m Charles. I work in medical billing. In my free time, I collect cigarette tax stamps. I’m up to 47 states plus Guam. I’m also the proud papa of six – no, sorry, five cats. I’m sorry, I told myself I wasn’t going to cry tonight. My poor tabby Arsenio died a few months ago, and I guess I’m still not over it. I’m OK. I’ll be OK. So, uh, how about you?”

Listen, Charles, you seem like a nice guy, or at least harmless enough that I don’t specifically want to hurt your feelings. But with my specs, I’m really looking for a higher class of person right now.

“Oh. I see.”

It’s just, you know, my 6GB DDR3 memory and 500GB hard drive put me in an elite group of laptops. Even if I did settle for you, I would always resent the fact that I’d wasted my 17.3” widescreen LED and AMD A4-3300M 1.9GHz dual-core processor on someone like you. And frankly, I feel like even if you got your hands on a Radeon 6480G graphics card, you wouldn’t know what to do with it. It would be cruel of me to taunt you that way, like handing a Stradivarius to an orangutan. You understand, right?

“Sure. Sure, yeah. Looks like our time is about up anyway. Oh, uh, did I mention my extensive collection of custom Skyrim mods?”

Hmmm… OK, give me your number. Maybe I’ll give you a call sometime.

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