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Ridiculously Specific Horoscopes for the week of September 24, 2012

by Jason Toon

You can tell a sham astrologer by the vague one-size-fits-all generalities they dispense. One who can actually read the stars will be far more interested in being specific than in merely being right. Our own Jason Toon is the seer who won't cop out. Forget the hazy visions of the astro-phonies - Jason says the sooths you can use.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): You will purchase a racehorse with Bobby Rahal, Steve Vai, and Donna Brazile.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): This is an auspicious week for meat shoots of all kinds.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Danger awaits at the Publix Supermarket at 200 Island Way in Clearwater, Florida. Everywhere else is safe.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Someone very close to you will accidentally bite the inside of his or her cheek. The resultant swelling will cause him or her to bite the same spot three more times that day.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your lucky paint color: Sherwin-Williams "Pewter Tankard" (SW0023).

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A hostile encounter with a local investigative TV reporter will redound to your advantage.

LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): Avoid soda cans containing bees. Seek out soda cans containing rare gemstones.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): One of those little IKEA pencils will prove invaluable when you need it most.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This week, stone fruits hold the secret to romantic fulfillment.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your lucky sports division: the American League Central.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Seek financial security from the teller at your bank with the distracting mole, not the one who looks like a fatter Baby Spice.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): This is not a good week to impersonate a tuckpointer.

WARNING: These divinations are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!