The American Civil War was the most violent conflict ever waged on domestic soil … until last week. The first-ever Employee-Designed Tee Contest turned brother against brother, buyer against buyer, and UX designer against social media strategist in a horrific melee of petty bribery and favoritism.
We stand today on the charred battlefield of this war, and declare a "winner," if so senseless a conflict can have a true victor.
GRAND PRIZE
Like Lance Armstrong at his juiciest, Hello Snikty by Garrett captured an early lead and never relinquished it. Garrett "wins" a date with Joel Lewis, director of Shirt.Woot. Where do you want to go, Garrett? We don't recommend the ballpark.
SECOND PRIZE
Little is known about Wait for it… designer Lance, but his design's steady sales earns him an "Almost Good Enough" trophy to be displayed in triumph atop his cubicle's loftiest promontory. It is worth noting that neither Garrett nor Lance participated in ANY politicking on the Woot site -- proof positive that dirty campaigning doesn't pay.
LAST PLACE
All the drama in the final two days of the competition occurred in the rearguard, where Bran edged Just Waggin' It for least appealing of the 16 submitted designs. It was a brutally uncompetitive field down there, and Amy earned a framed poster of her design through determination, hard work, and an unparalleled ability to design a shirt that nobody in their right mind would buy.
Thank you to all employees who participated, and condolences to the poor suckers who actually bought these things. Dare we call this the "First-Annual Employee-Designed Tee Contest"? God we hope not.