You Think You Want to Know, but You Don't Want to Know

by Randall Cleveland

Relationships take work. Hard work. Lots of hard, tedious, soul-searching work. For all the talk of "love at first sight," it's not that easy. You have to learn to live with someone, learn to accept their weird idiosyncrasies, overcome their deep-rooted emotional baggage, and convince yourself that they're not secretly disgusted with you and doing this whole thing just as a joke that's being fed to a website somewhere like some kind of Truman Show from hell. At least that's my experience. Oh, and spying. Healthy, trusting relationships take lots and lots of spying. That's why you need Find His Porn...


successful business woman on a laptop
"For the last time, it's not a scavenger hunt."


See, according to Find His Porn's "staggering" (and un-cited) statistics, someone is spending $89 on porn EVERY SECOND. Staggering! So Find His Porn offers you, a frightened woman, a chance to find out just what sort of filth the man in your life is using to dull the ceaseless pain of being with you. And obviously the site has to be called "Find HIS Porn" because only men use porn and only women have a problem with porn, right? Sweeping generalizations are almost as fun as made up statistics!

Just check out the demo, which shows you how the program will helpfully track down every dirty website, picture, video, and any other file on your computer through, uh, magic. I guess. (The video, PS, is NSFW on account of them showing actual porn.)

I'm not here to judge you if you use porn, have an issue with porn, or both. Not to get all Dan Savage on you guys, but if you're having a problem with your significant other's porn consumption I think actually TALKING to them about it, in a calm, rational tone, and discussing your feelings out in the open is your best option. I think, on the scope of possible actions one can take, anything involving spying on  someone you love falls towards the "worst possible choice" end of things. Think about it: if you DO suspect that your significant other is looking at some kind of filth that's eating away at you, do you really want to see it firsthand? If you have issues with porn, I'd suggest not seeking it out in the first place. And what if you don't find anything? Is your curiosity going to be sated? Or is it just going to be consumed by a new, crippling doubt that not only is your spouse a pervert, but he or she is also a computer hacking mastermind capable of weaving a matrix of deception around you? What's even real any more? 

Thom and Francine
"Congratulations on the start of your path of lies, deception, and emotional espionage."

Dear reader, if you have issues that are causing you to consider spying on someone you love, do everyone involved a favor and get some therapy. I don't mean "I need therapy because I'm crazy," I mean "I'm using therapy to help me work through some stuff that's really holding me back." Preferably couples therapy, but if your other half won't go then that's something else to talk about during your session.

And if you ARE going to spy on someone, don't use a company that makes stuff up as they go, uses outmoded gender stereotypes from the 1950s, and charges you $20 a pop on top of it.

What do you think? Can spying be justified? Does their lack of detail and hackneyed reference to midget porn make you think the whole thing is a scam? Use your free hand to let us know in the comments!




Flickr photos (in order) successful business woman on a laptop by Search Engine People Blog  and Thomas and Francine by Francine Mastini used under a Creative Commons License.