olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Q: Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
A: They have no body to love



Q: Know why skeletons are so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.



Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels



Q: What’s a ghoul’s favorite bean?
A: A human bean.



Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the Boos.



Q: Why did the Vampire read the New York Times?
A: He heard it had great circulation.

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, "Trick or treat?"
I looked at him and asked, "What have you come as?"

He said, "A werewolf."

I said, "But you're not wearing a costume. You've just got your normal clothes on."

He said, "Yeah well, it's not a full moon yet, is it?"


Warning- adult sexual humor follows

A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can't stop staring at her. So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though - firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley."

The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.

The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?"

The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you - I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish."

The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

pooflady


quality posts: 27 Private Messages pooflady
olcubmaster wrote:A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, "Trick or treat?"
I looked at him and asked, "What have you come as?"

He said, "A werewolf."

I said, "But you're not wearing a costume. You've just got your normal clothes on."

He said, "Yeah well, it's not a full moon yet, is it?"


Warning- adult sexual humor follows

A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can't stop staring at her. So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though - firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley."

The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.

The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?"

The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you - I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish."

The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."



Guffaw



I think my guardian angel drinks.

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Who won the zombie war?
Nobody, it was dead even.

What did the ghost teacher say to her class?
Watch the board and I’ll go through it again.

Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Who do monsters always buy their cookies from?
The Ghoul Scouts!

A monster and a ghost went to a party. Suddenly the said to the ghost, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
The ghost replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”


It was late Halloween and three young vampires went into a club and walked up to the bar.

“What will you have?” the cool looking bartender asked.

“I’ll have a full glass of warm blood,” the first replied.

“I’ll have a full glass of warm blood, too, thanks,” said the second.

“I’ll have a full glass of warm plasma,” said the third.

“OK, let me get this straight,” the bartender said. “That’ll be two bloods and a blood light?”

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

A wife decided to play a Halloween prank on her husband. Shortly before they were to leave for a fancy costume party, she told him she had a splitting headache. She insisted he go to the party without her, and after some convincing, he did.

After he left, she waited an hour, then put on a very sexy costume he didn’t know about. She went to the party, thinking it would be fun to watch her husband when he didn’t know she was around.

When she got there she spotted him right away. He was dancing up a storm with all the women, pulling them close, copping little feels and kisses, and generally having a great time being “single.”

When a slow song came on, she approached him and seductively suggested they dance. He accepted immediately, and they started snaking around the room, his hands all over her. When the dance ended, she whispered they should go upstairs, and he agreed in an instant.

They found a room for some hot and heavy fantasy fun. She insisted they keep their masks and most of their costumes on. Afterward, she slipped away, drove home, and got into bed.
An hour later her husband came home, walked into the bedroom and asked how she was. She told him she was much better, and asked if anything unusual happened at the party.

“Not really,” he said, “You know I never have any fun when you’re not there. In fact, when I got there I ran into a couple of old buddies and we ended up in the basement watching football all night. But you won’t believe what happened to the guy I lent my costume to.”

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

moles1138


quality posts: 49 Private Messages moles1138
daveinwarshington wrote:The meatball monster
Only spaghetti sauce will stop it.



Actually...

The Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) is the deity of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or Pastafarianism. Pastafarianism (a portmanteau of pasta and Rastafarian) is a social movement that promotes a light-hearted view of religion and opposes the teaching of intelligent design and creationism in public schools. According to adherents, Pastafarianism is a "real, legitimate religion, as much as any other". It is legally recognized as a religion in the Netherlands and New Zealand – where Pastafarian representatives have been authorized to celebrate weddings and where the first legally recognized Pastafarian wedding was performed in April 2016. However, in the United States, a federal judge has ruled that the "Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" is not a real religion.


R'amen

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

For all ages

Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
A: Spooketi

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween!!

Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
A: Spelling.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with

Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.

Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!

Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!

Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!.

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

OK kids - put on your make-believe 3D glasses for this one!

SPOOKS! (1953)

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

mepher


quality posts: 4 Private Messages mepher
AZGman wrote:Halloween fun . . . instead of candy, hand out accumulated hotel shampoo, soap, and conditioner . . . .



Ok, replying to an old post, but my parents used to do something like this during the annual xmas gathering for my thrifty uncle. They would collect all of those items from hotels throughout the year, then individually wrap them all up and put them in a stocking for him.

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster







Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

benjaminleebates


quality posts: 18 Private Messages benjaminleebates
olcubmaster wrote:





CPS. Child Protective Services...
HMMM, I see the connection.

You can find my shirts for sale HERE or THERE!

WoosterRooster


quality posts: 2 Private Messages WoosterRooster

I'm Wooster, the Woot Rooster

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other?
Cut it out!

What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash

Why do Jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles on their faces?
You'd have a stupid smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!

What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi (3.1428571428571428571428571428571)

How do you repair a broken Jack-o-lantern?
Buy a pumpkin patch!

What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.

Why do pumpkins never quarrel?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

moles1138


quality posts: 49 Private Messages moles1138
olcubmaster wrote:What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other?
Cut it out!

What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash

Why do Jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles on their faces?
You'd have a stupid smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!

What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi (3.1428571428571428571428571428571)

How do you repair a broken Jack-o-lantern?
Buy a pumpkin patch!

What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.

Why do pumpkins never quarrel?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.



The ingredients of that Pumpkin Pi do not look correct

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster
moles1138 wrote:The ingredients of that Pumpkin Pi do not look correct



Jeez - never thought I had to fact check a joke I stol...I mean appropriated.

Try this recipe: 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074462379962749567351885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737190702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132000568127145263560827785771342757789609173637178721468440901224953430146549585371050792279689258923542019956112129021960864034418159813629774771309960518707211349999998372978049951059731732816096318595024459455346908302642522308253344685035261931188171010003137838752886587533208381420617177669147303598253490428755468731159562863882353787593751957781857780532171226806613001927876611195909216420198938095257201065485863278865936153381827968230301952035301852968995773622599413891249721775283479131515574857242454150695950829533116861727855889075098381754637464939319255060400927701671139009848824012858361603563707660104710181942955596198946767837449448255379774726847104047534646208046684259069491293313677028989152104752162056966024058038150193511253382430035587640247496473263914199272604269922796782354781636009341721641219924586315030286182974555706749838505494588586926995690927210797509302955321165344987202755960236480665499119881834797753566369807426542527862551818417574672890977772793800081647060016145249192173217214772350141441973568548161361157352552133475741849468438523323907394143334547762416862518983569485562099219222184272550254256887671790494601653466804988627232791786085784383827967976681454100953883786360950680064225125205117392984896084128488626945604241965285022210661186306744278622039194945047123713786960956364371917287467764657573962413890865832645995813390478027590099465764078951269468398352595709825822620522489407726719478268482601476990902640136394437455305068203496252451749399651431429809190659250937221696461515709858387410597885959772975498930161753928468138268683868942774155991855925245953959431049972524680845987273644695848653836736222626099124608051243884390451244136549762780797715691435997700129616089441694868555848406353422072225828488648158456028506016842739452267467678895252138522549954666727823986456596116354886230577456498035593634568174324112515076069479451096596094025228879710893145669136867228748940560101503308617928680920874760917824938

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster



Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

moles1138


quality posts: 49 Private Messages moles1138
olcubmaster wrote:Jeez - never thought I had to fact check a joke I stol...I mean appropriated.

Try this recipe: 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074462379962749567351885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737190702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132000568127145263560827785771342757789609173637178721468440901224953430146549585371050792279689258923542019956112129021960864034418159813629774771309960518707211349999998372978049951059731732816096318595024459455346908302642522308253344685035261931188171010003137838752886587533208381420617177669147303598253490428755468731159562863882353787593751957781857780532171226806613001927876611195909216420198938095257201065485863278865936153381827968230301952035301852968995773622599413891249721775283479131515574857242454150695950829533116861727855889075098381754637464939319255060400927701671139009848824012858361603563707660104710181942955596198946767837449448255379774726847104047534646208046684259069491293313677028989152104752162056966024058038150193511253382430035587640247496473263914199272604269922796782354781636009341721641219924586315030286182974555706749838505494588586926995690927210797509302955321165344987202755960236480665499119881834797753566369807426542527862551818417574672890977772793800081647060016145249192173217214772350141441973568548161361157352552133475741849468438523323907394143334547762416862518983569485562099219222184272550254256887671790494601653466804988627232791786085784383827967976681454100953883786360950680064225125205117392984896084128488626945604241965285022210661186306744278622039194945047123713786960956364371917287467764657573962413890865832645995813390478027590099465764078951269468398352595709825822620522489407726719478268482601476990902640136394437455305068203496252451749399651431429809190659250937221696461515709858387410597885959772975498930161753928468138268683868942774155991855925245953959431049972524680845987273644695848653836736222626099124608051243884390451244136549762780797715691435997700129616089441694868555848406353422072225828488648158456028506016842739452267467678895252138522549954666727823986456596116354886230577456498035593634568174324112515076069479451096596094025228879710893145669136867228748940560101503308617928680920874760917824938



Shit. I'm out of 32788659361.

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

moles1138


quality posts: 49 Private Messages moles1138

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

moles1138


quality posts: 49 Private Messages moles1138

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home

olcubmaster


quality posts: 33 Private Messages olcubmaster

Sugar 'em up and send 'em home