quality posts: 17 Private Messages WootBot


In honor of Keep America Weird week, I’m listing the five state birds that I’d like to throw down engage in some fisticuffs with. 

1. Ruffed Grouse
State: Pennsylvania
Reason to fight: Look if you want to start fighting state birds, you’re going to need something beginner level. Well, check it: this guy’s so used to getting roughed up that they had to put it in its friggin’ name.
Weapon to use: Bare Hands

2. Blue Hen chicken
State: Delaware
Reason to fight: “Blue Hen chicken”? Well, jeez! Why don’t we add a little bit more redundancy in there? How about “Blue Hen Chicken Beaked Bird Who Primarily Produces Eggs”? No way! Some dumb chicken from a state the size of an in-ground thinks it has the right to waste my breath on its repetitive name? Then I’ll just have to give him the right… hook, that is.
Weapon to use: Boxing Gloves  

3. Common Loon
State: Minnesota
Reason to fight: You know that friend? The one who’s always like, “I’m such a loser. No one likes me!” and it’s really clear that he’s just fishing for compliments, so you’re like, “No way, man! You’re awesome!” and he’s all like, “Oh yeah? What have I ever done?” and you’re like, “You paint such beautiful pictures!” and that’s kind of a lie – his paintings are pretty lame, and they’re all of mermaids and scantily clad alien women – and really you’re just tired of going through this every couple of weeks? Well, in the state bird kingdom, that guy’s the Common Loon; he’s like, “Hrmph, I’m so common!” and you just want to be like, “Bro, if you’re so common, then how come you’re the ONLY STATE BIRD OF MINNESOTA?! C’mon! Grow a pair and just own it!”
Weapon to use: Verbal Assault

4. Scissor-tailed Flycatcher
State: Oklahoma
Reason to fight: Did you know that the Scissor-tailed Flycatcher is also known as the Texas bird-of-paradise? Yeah, that’s right: it’s accepted one state’s state-bird-ship while allowing itself to be identified with another! This two-timing, two-tailed avian needs to pay!
Weapon to use: Scissors (for irony)

5. Cactus Wren
State: Arizona
Reason to fight: I arrived at the party late, and started looking around for Janine. She’d called me up earlier to tell me that it was a boring party and I shouldn’t come, but something about her tone made me suspicious. Sure enough, I spotted her across the room, smiling coyly at a Cactus Wren as he talked about how he was the largest North American Wren; how he’d from time-to-time eat seeds, fruits, small reptiles, and frogs; how he could quite mischievous and will fly into the open windows of automobiles; just a bunch of self-elating crap, really. Well, I walked straight up to him and told him to quit yapping at my girl. He said, “Your girl? Tell you what: I’ll challenge you to a sitting-on-cacti contest. Winner gets Janine.” I lost my girl that night. Forever. After all, Cactus Wrens do form permanent pair bonds. But man, what I wouldn’t give that stupid bird a challenge of my own.
Weapon to use: Mace (because it kind of looks like a cactus)

Now it’s your turn. What state bird would you like to fight and why? Let us know in the comments!


Photos: "Ruffed grouse (Bonasa umbellus) in Canadian Rocky Mountains" by flickr user, MiguelVieira; "Common loon" by flickr user, USFWS Pacific; "Cactus wren and shadow" by flickr user, AlanH2O. All used under a Creative Commons License.


quality posts: 0 Private Messages bravetoaster

Ruffed grouse is the PA state bird, not SD.


quality posts: 0 Private Messages sumnchai

There is a reason Delaware has the fighting Blue Hen as the state bird. Revolutionary War soldiers from Delaware used to carry Kent County Blue Hens and stage cockfights. In fact, the Delaware regiment became known as "Caldwell's Gamecocks" because of their ferocity and fighting spirit.

Last time I checked, gamecocks don't lay eggs.



quality posts: 20 Private Messages DennisG2010

Good stuff - but I have to disagree with your characterization of the Common Loon and it's inclusion on this list.

First off, I can understand wanting to fight one - they're always getting up in your face and cackling like a... well, like a loon.
No question they're annoying Jab-jab-jab-Jabberjaws (<-that's the filter's words, but more apt than mine), and you should definitely avoid them at parties if you can.
But the thing is, they're just common loons for God's sake!
They can't help it if they're off their rockers - they don't mean to be annoying, it's just how they are.
So, it's just not right to be mean to the poor simpletons.
Some guys deserve a good beat down, these guys deserve a little compassion.

As far as which birds I'd like to fight, the two that immediately come to mind are not state birds, and for good reason - they're flying a-holes (filter doesn't cut it this time).

First, there's the Blue Jay; I've dealt with them all my life, my mother has always had a backyard full of feeders, so I know them well, and let me tell you - Blue Jays are nothing but trouble makers.
These punks travel in noisy gangs and are always up to no good.
Twice in my life I've been, um... given "the statue treatment" by a bird.
Both times it was a Blue Jay, sitting up in a tree, just waiting for me to step on the "X" before dropping the bomb.
In the back yard feeder community, they're known for sweeping in and scattering the rest of the peacefully coexisting birds.
When they're not attacking other creatures just for fun and/or spite, they're just making a general ruckus, yelling and screaming at each other - I don't speak their language, but it certainly sounds like fowl language to me.

The other bird who's rump I'd like to put a boot in is the Grackle.
Also loud, noisy gangs, they're not antagonists like the Blue Jays, they're just flying pigs, plain and simple (with apologies to my swine friends).

I never had a problem with the Grackles until I got my own house and started paying to keep my own feeders filled.

When there's no pile of free food for them, you'd barely notice them.
They just go about on their own, quietly pecking in the lawn for grubs like any other Robin.
But the moment you fill up the feeders with primo bird seed, it's like they turn into crazed eating machines.
Every Grackle in a 1 mile radius comes piling in to the feed trough, grunting and squealing and squawking at the top of their little lungs until they've consumed every kernel in sight, leaving the other birds, not to mention the squirrels and chipmunks, to dig around in the grass and dirt for their scraps.
And yeah - maybe the Grackles can't help themselves like the Common Loon, but they're eating me out of house and home!
So you're damn right I'd like to smack each and every one of them in the face, even if just to slap some manners into them.

I can't think of any other birds, state or otherwise, that I have a problem with.

I'm actually very fond of the Mocking Bird, though I can understand how others might find them offensive.
They're really very talented, and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, after all.

eta: One state bird you definitely don't want to pick a fight with is Rhode Island Red.
Quite the pugilists - you'll be knocked flat on your tail before you even know what hit you.


quality posts: 0 Private Messages darcling

I assume you have no experience with the Arkansas state bird - the mockingbird.

That, or you know about the mockingbird and have wisely chosen not to fight it. Those damn things are vicious.

I've seen them dive bomb and flog IT workers time after time because the bird built a nest near the office's main entrance... I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't spend two or three days glued to the window to watch this peculiar game of man vs beast play out (especially when "man" is the 50+ year old female admin assistant who fights the bird back : )

I've seen a crow attacking a red tailed hawk while a mockingbird attacks the crow... and occasionally the hawk as well... they just don't give a fsck...

This is my point - don't fsck with a mockingbird, they're bad news and tough little guys.


quality posts: 0 Private Messages rjduddy

The picture under Ruffed Grouse is actually a male Spruce Grouse.


quality posts: 1 Private Messages eastcheap
darcling wrote:I assume you have no experience with the Arkansas state bird - the mockingbird.

That, or you know about the mockingbird and have wisely chosen not to fight it.

You don't mess with mockingbirds -- it's no coincidence that they control the Official Bird racket in five states.


quality posts: 0 Private Messages zippo6

The Roadrunner - New Mexico. Mainly just to see if I'm smarter than a coyote, though at times I have serious doubt about that. Besides, I want to find out where the coyote gets all that cool (cheap... did I mean cheap?) stuff. Is there a secret website somewhere? (maybe acme.woot.com?)


quality posts: 25 Private Messages Josephus

The Indiana State Bird is the Cardinal. According to David Letterman, and who can question him about Hoosier-stuf?, the cardinal is the fiercest of the robin-sized birds.


quality posts: 0 Private Messages lokijoke

NJs Goldfinch. A) If its going to get its ass kicked it had better be by a Jersey boy or there would be major trouble. B0 they are small enough for me to get the job done without really putting to much of a crimp in my schedule. Weapon of choice; Fresh Air.


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kncoleman

Utah's bird the Seagull

Stupidity most annoying bird on this planet. Bastards used to pull plastic molding from my car in New York making me have to replace it constantly. Wonder what other crap they do to piss people off


quality posts: 32 Private Messages abitterwoman
zippo6 wrote:The Roadrunner - New Mexico. Mainly just to see if I'm smarter than a coyote, though at times I have serious doubt about that. Besides, I want to find out where the coyote gets all that cool (cheap... did I mean cheap?) stuff. Is there a secret website somewhere? (maybe acme.woot.com?)

I came from New Mexico and was thinking the same thing. That roadrunner really needs to be taught a lesson.

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