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quality posts: 17 Private Messages WootBot



Annual employee performance reviews will take place throughout the end of the month. Every year, employee performance is rated from 1 to 4 on AN ARBITRARILY CHOSEN CRITERION. This year's surprise criterion is… {Drumroll}…: VICTORIAN-ERA FEATS OF PHYSICAL STRENGTH.

Each employee will compete against Scottish strongman Donald Dinnie in several FEATS OF STRENGTH to determine your value to this company. For each feat in which you best either champion, you shall receive one point on your review. The feats are:

  • MAN-LIFTING. Whoever can lift the most men standing on a platform on his/her back wins.
  • FREIGHT-CAR PUSHING. A railroad freight car shall be placed at a slight incline. Whoever pushes the multi-ton beheamoth the furthest wins.
  • BENDING OF STEEL. Whichever competitor bends the most spans of re-bar simultaneously wins.
  • CABER TOSS. Throw a log.

Your year-end bonus depends on your performance, so TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. Last year's "Sculpt in the style of the Grecian Masters" performance review netted a total employee bonus yield of: $0, as nobody was able to sculpt as well or better than even the worst Grecian Master. It was a shameful display, folks.

The feats of strength will take over the break room. So no breaks until Q1 2013.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager


quality posts: 7 Private Messages no1

i try to throw a log every morning. eating a bowl of all-bran helps.


quality posts: 33 Private Messages FrostByte
For each feat in which you best either champion

Who is the other champion? Someone that is still living?

Charter Member (0002314) - Friend of the Official Crappraiser Get your Official Crappraisal today.

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quality posts: 197 Private Messages ROGETRAY

If that is how the annual review is going to go this year, I'm totally in.

Except..I refuse to wear whatever that gentleman assumes to be "workout clothes".


quality posts: 4 Private Messages EssenGrabow

Are you pushing the freight car UP the incline or DOWN?

The issue with DOWN is in stopping the thing...


quality posts: 105 Private Messages inkycatz

This can only end in tears. Mine.

I'm just hanging out, really.


quality posts: 7 Private Messages idonwannaname

Perhaps you'd like details on the annual holiday event as well:

GALA Christmas Party
Company Memo1

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 16, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Company Memo 2

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: November 17, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Company Memo 3

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: November 18, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?


And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


Company Memo 4

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 19, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite I'll be back!

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Company Memo 5

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 20, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your frigging salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you frigging weirdos can kiss my a**. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The B**** from Hell!

Company Memo 6

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 23, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!


quality posts: 12 Private Messages jennyland

This is the best thing ever.

idonwannaname wrote:Perhaps you'd like details on the annual holiday event as well

200 Woots and counting (including 18-ish Big ol' Cornucopias)