Well, I think I have a perfectly good reason why I should get a letter (OR SOMETHING) this time around… a boring story.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
THE LORD OF THE CRAP
[Insert epic theme music here]
EPISODE I: The Phantom of the Wreck-It-Crap Thief
Legend says that once every two-thousand and thirteen years, a few chosen people are selected as tribute to receive a glorious prize known for it’s beauty, respect, admiration and obsession; The Woot Gods calls them a bag of crap. It is well known in history that many will fight for this awesome prize, but only few are crowned victor. Those who are crowned victorious will be remembered forever in Woot history. Those who lose, they usually throw a fit or something until next time. Over the years, the game just keeps getting harder and harder and nobody knows what may come next.
In a small town far not far away lived a man named joshobra. He was not an ordinary person, it was said that when he was born the skies turned from blue to bright golden yellow and the stars aligned in the sky that formed his name for a brief moment. Seriously, nobody tried taking pictures of this event! It would’ve been so epic! All throughout his life, he has been preparing for this glorious day by studying intellectual websites like Gizmodo, MentalFloss, and Playboy. He is known to be always the favorite of everyone.
One morning just shortly after midnight joshobra heard word that the next competition for the glorious crap has begun in the main town of Woot! Immediately without even packing his belongings, he ran to the main town as fast as he could! The objective of this year’s competition was to be one of the first two people to complete the race, which sounds so simple to many people. Thinking he was one of the first to arrive lightning quick, little did he know that he was already too late and that there are already winners for the first round of crap. Seriously, what used to be better?!
Dismayed, he was determined to work even harder on the upcoming rounds knowing that he is against nearly a thousand foes at the same time. But the sudden realization came, he has no idea what he is doing. But he didn’t worry yet though, he estimated that he has about 76-chances to win the glorious crap. As the hours passed by though, he finds out that he is never as fast as the competition, not even close. He is always last in the finish line. He needed to figure out a new plan to out-pace the already impossibly fast race.
With the help of modern day technology and clever thinking, joshobra might have found a way to semi-instantly be faster than his completion. To this day his secrets are still unknown, but others seem to have the same technique anyways. He never wanted a reply back from the Woot Gods so badly before, and it was driving him crazy! Hours pass again and he is either just not cut enough to out-pace the others or have the intellectual resources to solve the riddles that faces against him. Fed up with failure, he falls asleep on his desk from exhaustion.
The next morning, he was pretty sure he wasn’t the only one loitered with failure. He now joins in with the other protestors who hasn’t won anything as well. Along the way he has also met some new friends that are mentioned later in the story. Together, they team up and support each other until each one has won. Hours and hours passed by and answers after answers left unanswered, joshobra has never felt so frustrated before. He now thinks there might be greedy corrupt competitors in the game. He even finds that the winners so far are giving out their answers to help those who still hasn’t figured it out yet, giving him and his friends the disadvantage of having even more competition (which he expresses personally soon after he wakes up.. in which he makes a lot of bad decisions half-asleep). Seeing that he is an absolute failure again and again, he later becomes more distracted with random videos on the internet then falls asleep after a series of false hope and acceptance of defeat (and a stupid clue comes up as soon as he starts to sleep, the Woot Gods are playing tricks on him!). He doesn’t even know when to pee! At one point during the competition, he is not even sure if he is being heard. Maybe he has been shouting at a brick wall this whole time.
Bored so far? This is where it gets interesting…
Again, hours and hours of race after race always ended in failure, which in turn fueled his rage towards the other victors. It was as if he was moving Heaven and Earth but it just was not enough to pull through. But it was either fate or just plain dumb luck, the other competitors suddenly were at a disadvantage! They were completely lost! But joshobra was well prepared this time around after many hours of experience and practice in which he seemingly found his way to the finish line before anyone else did. Moments later, at last! A response from the Woot Gods! He was crowned VICTORIOUS! Words cannot describe his joy and excitement for being selected as tribute yet he was not sure what he did correctly this time around. But the most unfortunate event happened once he walked up to the winning platform to claim his prize; it was nowhere to be found! Joshobra then thinks that the Woot Gods are playing a trick on him and cries in a small corner, ashamed of himself. Bratib then thinks he’s clever enough to trick him into giving up his prize, but joshobra is smart enough to never give it up after all the hard work he has done. The Woot Gods were then aware and surprised this has happened; they quickly huddled up together to figure out what went wrong. These critical minutes felt like hours to joshobra. In the meantime, joshobra instead just brags about how he won the glorious crap even though he wasn’t sure which one was the one he won on, but he won anyways.. confident that he will still receive his prize.
A few hours later, a new prize is presented to joshobra! Once again excited and joyful, he made the worst decision ever and left his prize sitting in a super-secret location (the moon?), thinking that nobody would steal his prize. And people like weenpeen attempts to steal his prize again. Joshobra made sure that there were turrets placed all over his bag of crap safe room.
Hours passed again as joshobra went out to celebrate his success with a small feast at McDonalds topped with caramel ice cream and sweet tea and a well-deserved sleep. He then also tried to help out his fellow comrades (who used to be enemies, ironically) later that day. He also suggested using a more trusting service for their disposal and also sung to them an encouraging song that they could be victors as well when the time has come. Joshobra is a really great singing; he has a very angelic voice.
Later that evening..
As joshobra came back for his glorious crap to bring back home along with the many other things that he wanted to bring along with it, the impossible happened, HIS CRAP WAS STOLEN! His fellow justice friends Rootstock, Linad and coolchris160 immediately came out to help him while joshobra was searching frantically to where it could have went. It was close to impossible to penetrate his safe room! What the heck were the turrets doing??!
Joshobra shouted on top of lungs for help from the Woot Gods! He shouted and he shouted for help. And what was their reply? “You have the worst of luck.” A fellow friend Moueska offers help and support. The Woot Gods appears to think that joshobra is a liar and also thinks that he was out of luck and will not go home with the prize that was promised for him. He now believes that he will go home with nothing, even though he has worked so hard for his prize.
Shortly after a few hours, Rootstock found the crap thief! It was alindm01 this whole time! Trekmiss, Linad and Mouseka spotted him as well running away with the crap from a distance! Alinm01 disappeared shortly after being seen though, and was never heard from again. So it is up to the Woot Gods to decide if he receives the Wrath of the Woot Gods or not as there is no place where Alinm01 can hide. But to Joshobra’s surprise that his fellow friends tried so hard to help him, he was very happy to see his fellow friends out there to help him, he might’ve shed a small tear in front of everyone. If there is anything he could do for his friends, he’ll do anything to help out!
So what happened to his bag of crap?
Later that night, it appears that the Woot God Skemmis felt pity for JoshObra. Instead of leaving him to go home empty handed, he put his hand on joshobra’s shoulder and offered him a [third] chance to receive the prize of crap. What wonderful Woot God is he?! He later even reminded him to take his glorious crap with him home shortly after just in case the thief strikes again, wherever he may be. Of course joshobra would always obey his Woot Gods. As joshobra returned back to his small hometown, there was a party hosted that lasted for a week! Everyone in his hometown was proud of joshobra’s success.
And joshobra lived happily ever after with his bag of crap!
….at least for now.
[To be continued..]