Sarah awoke to find Edward staring at her creepily from the foot of her bed.

“Uh, what? What the hell are you doing here?” she said, bewildered.

“I was just watching you sleep. Isn’t that dark and brooding and romantic?” Edward brooded darkly.

“No. That’s just creepy.” Sarah turned on her Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod with Mini-Tripod Keychain, which she always kept at her bedside. “Aren’t you that weird emo kid from the woods? Holy crap, are you sparkling?”

“Yeah, weird, that usually only happens in sunlight,” his brooding words darkly brooded across the room and into her ears.

“Well this thing’s got a brightness of 60 lumens, Sparkles.”

“Please don’t call me that. It’s gym class all over again. Anyway, I’m a vampire. And I love you,” he darkly brooded.

“Love me? You haven’t even said two words to me until you snuck into my room. That’s not love; that’s an unhealthy infatuation, and you’ve clearly demonstrated a complete disregard for my personal boundaries,” Sarah wisely noted.

“But that’s because you’re my brand of heroin,” Edward broodingly brooded in such a dark and brooding manner that it was so totally hot.

“So are you here to ask me out or something? Can I just reject you now and get this over with?” she asked.

“Actually,” Edward brooded, “I want to fall in love with you, then run away, thereby forcing you to string along a werewolf guy while you go nuts and detach from everyday life in your obsession with me so that I can return, proving to millions of teenage girls everywhere that if your boyfriend leaves you the only way to get him back is to go completely insane and isolate yourself from everything else.”

“I’m sorry,” Sarah responded after picking her jaw up off the floor, “is this seriously your best effort? I mean, this is the plot of some pulp comic riff on Romeo & Juliet, right? Who in their right mind would fall for this?”

“Well,” Edwards dark words brooded, “I was hoping you would.”

“You know my last name’s Van Helsing, right?”

“Who?”

“Nothing. Come in and meet my dad!”

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