“Yes, hi, english? Do you speak… oh, thank God, you don’t know how hard it is to find someone at the Yugoslavian airport who speaks… no, sorry, I understand you’re busy, but I need some help here. My name is Spice, Spice Jarrs, and I work for Tark Industries. Yes, that’s right, the weapons manufacturer. I’m calling because… yes, that’s it exactly, our CEO is somewhere in your airport looking for his bag. Well, bags, really, because Mr. Tark never does anything without at least two different backup plans. Did I just hear an explosion? Wait, wait, don’t transfer me, please don’t transfer-”
“Hi, english? Oh, bless you. I’m with Tark Industries, I was saying, and my CEO needs his bag. Yes, I know you’re being attacked by a guy with laser whips and a woman made out of lava and parakeets but just trust me, it’s very very important our CEO get one of his bags. It doesn’t matter which, they’re all designed to be checkpoint friendly, so they’ll be very easy to… yes, thank you, please write it all down. They’re all going to be Ohmetric 3-in-1 Workstation Bags.
The first one is a shoulder case. It’s going to have straps, and a hidden security pocket and it can stand upright. No, no, don’t look inside, it’s very personal what’s in there, just bring it to him when you find it. There’s a padded lining and a hardshell exterior, so it will be fine. There’s a back pocket too, and it could hold… well, I guess a fifteen inch laptop. Goodness, what’s the yelling all about? A gorilla with a flaming sword and a giant mosquito woman? Well, can you maybe hide under the desk and keep working? I really need to get my boss at least one of his bags as quickly as possible.
Okay, the next option is a backpack. You’ll also be seeing a lot of pockets on this one, and you’ll be able to fold out a lapdesk for work. Yes, it’s about four pounds when empty, but right now it’ll feel a bit heavier. And when you pick it up, it’ll make some clanking noises, like metal rubbing together. No, no, again, do not open it for any reason, just get it right to Mr. Tark. He’ll take it from there. Wait, wait! I don’t care if the lava and parakeet woman is smashing your cubicle, do not transfer me! Do not! Don’t you dare, don’t you…! Ugh.
Hello? English? Wonderful. I’m looking for my boss’… oh, you’ve got all the details I gave the last gentleman? Fantastic! Listen, there’s one more case, the last one is a standard workstation briefcase, designed to be carried one handed or over the shoulder. It’s just like the others, easy access to papers and a hardshell… oh! Oh! You’ve got it? You’ve got it right there? Oh, Mr. Tark will be so pleased! Oh, sir, you’ve got to find him, you’ve got to get it to him right away! No, no, if you get fired we will hire you at… in fact, what are you making now? Is that monthly? Annually? Really? I’ll hire you right now as Mr. Tark’s personal assistant. Yes, yes, full benefits too. And 401K. Look, can we talk about this later, I’ve got to get that case to… yes, you’ll have a variety of plans for you and your spouse, and you can review them at your leisure. And retirement options as well. Oh, honestly, that’s an HR question, just get him his stupid Ohmetric 3 in 1 Workstation Bag!
Well, of course he’ll be easy to find, sir, just head to the Admiral’s Club and look near the bar. And please tell him to contact Ms. Jarrs as soon as he’s able. Thanks so much, really. Oh, don’t burn yourself on the parakeets.
