Woot® : One Day, One Deal™

Everyone is getting stupid. Not you or us, obviously. We mean everyone else; and there's no greater bastion of the coming idiocracy than reality TV. Shows like American Idol, 16 and Pregnant, and especially Jersey Shore not only toll the bell for the dumbing down of the planet, they revel in it, begging you to distract yourself and laugh at the dregs of humanity while you continue to get fatter and dumber and easier to placate so the totalitarian corporate power that rules the world through its control of media can continue to steal our rights while we watch The Bachelor.

Whew, sorry. Blacked out there for a second. Where were we? Oh yeah, reality TV! Since we're all damned and you'll never make a dent in the tsunami of stupid, enjoy the show with Jersey Circus...

 

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

ROME (UPI) -- Mushroom hunting season in Italy is proving fatal for some, with 18 dead, mostly in accidental falls, in 10 days, officials said.

Mushroom hunters are urged to remember not to attempt to jump towards the spinning fire wall until they are sure they won't land in the lava.

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After being transplanted to the Pacific Northwest we can sympathize with an invasive species like the Asian Carp. You're out of your element, you don't know anybody, and you've got to breed explosively so you can outcompete all the indigenous wildlife while hurdling electric barriers put in place to stop you and slapping strangers in the face along the way.

Now people are so fed up with them that they've decided to eat the Asian Carp out of existence. The only problem is no one wants to eat something called an Asian Carp for some reason (racists). So now they're taking suggestions for a more delicious-sounding name for the fish, but if names like "Kentucky Tuna" are being taken as serious suggestions and not the thinly-veiled sexual euphemisms they obviously are, it made us hopeful we might be able to flood the ballot box. Write your representative today and demand that the Asian Carp be renamed as any one of the far more delicious-sounding species below...

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LONDON (UPI) -- North Korea has opened a Facebook account after its Twitter Internet feed was blocked for containing information illegal in the south, a report says.

A spokesperson for North Korea said that they will be allowed to keep this account, provided the U.N. always knows the password and it doesn't interfere with schoolwork.

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Some days it's all you can do to trudge out to your car because you know, you just KNOW traffic is going to completely suck. Maybe your commute is a breezy 20 minutes; maybe it's a soul-crushing hour and a half. Regardless, you can rest assured that almost everyone in Beijing has it worse.

See, China's had a 60-mile-long traffic jam for the last 11 days now. Now the good news is things are starting to improve: cars have started to move up to a half-mile a day recently. Which means someone stuck back around the 58 mile mark is only going to be about half a year late for work; and we're betting the boss is going to have a hard time believing that story.

Which kind of begs the question: who the hell is staying on this highway? Is there not an off-ramp? Are people getting on the road each day, realizing they made no progress, and driving home only to try again tomorrow? What sort of investment would it take to open a convenience store on this road?

You think being stuck in traffic flipping through commercials and "wacky" morning DJs is bad; try a week and a half straight of Crazy Zhang the Panda and the Beijing Zoo Crew (playing only the greatest hits of the People's Republic from the '70s, '80s, '90s, and today!).

So since we already know China wins and we're all playing for second place here, what's your worst traffic jam experience?

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Fans of Vanilla Ice rejoice! Everyone who's not directly related to Vanilla Ice, carry on with your day. Rob Van Vinkle, the Iceman himself, is getting his own home improvement show on the DIY Network. Because if there's anyone you want running through your house wielding a reciprocating saw, it's this guy.

We're sincerely hoping the first home owners Vanilla helps "improve" will point out that their house looks suspiciously like that house David Bowie and Queen remodeled on their home improvement show, but in the meantime this opens the door on a fascinating realm: sure there are plenty of reality shows for washed up pseudo-stars to glom onto, but what about the Home & Garden crowd? Here are some F-list celebrity home improvement shows we'd like to see:

Paint My House, Bro! Starring Snooki

If you're going to hitch your wagon to a celebrity, you can't do much better than Jersey Shore's freakishly short alcoholic. Snooki will show up at your house with your crew to give it a brand new coat of paint to spice things up. Unfortunately, the paint is always a garish fake-tan orange.

Make Your House Accessible with Emmanuel Lewis

This show turns home improvement on its head because the home owners won't know it's coming! Emmanuel and his crew just show up in a truck, knock on the door, and start sawing table legs.

Beatin' the Beetus

Each week Wilford Brimley shacks up with a different Type 2 Diabetic and shows them what it takes to eat healthy, enjoy moderate exercise, and bring their disease under control. Each episode ends with a heartfelt conversation over a piping hot bowl of Quaker Oatmeal.

Comfortize Your Couch

Corey Feldman, Pauly Shore, and Andy Dick tour America searching for the best couch to crash on. They'll use their nearly limitless experience in mooching off people to show you the secret to a perfect guest room, spare couch, or flophouse. Alternatively, you could also reverse the tips to make sure people like them never show up at your place.

Montana Fishburne's A/V Team

Morpheus's pride and joy shows you the absolutely perfect setup for your home entertainment center! You'll get professional advice on the best camcorders, lighting gear, and sound mixing equipment for your own home movies as well.

With those ideas out of the way, what has-been celebrity fix-it show would you most like to see? Let us know in the comments below.

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Lindsay Lohan's mother told interviewer Matt Lauer the media and justice system are largely to blame for the U.S. actress' problems.

The media and justice system noted that their ankle monitoring bracelets hadn't actually gone off yet.

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Legend has it that about a week after those Portuguese missionaries stumbled across Japan there were guys stumbling into Tokyo tattoo parlors and asking for some kanji and barbed wire inked on their arms. Shortly after that the first annoyed tattoo artist was giving tourists random designs out of spite and/or ignorance of Asian culture. Some folks might decide to take advantage of that fact by fooling the naive into thinking they've paid to have "bean curd" tattooed on their arm, and we applaud those people uproariously. Other people, though, have decided to educate the masses about just what exactly their ink says. People like Tian and his blog Hanzi Smatter.

The premise is simple. People write in asking just what the hell is permanently scarred into their flesh and Tian gives his deadpan response. Most of the letters are straightforward, "hey can you help me figure this out" sorts of pleas mixed in with the occasional super-perky and delusional request for affirmation. The humor occurs when a letter like this:

Gets a response like this:

Or even this:

Check it out, then let us know what your tattoo says (or what it would say if you're more the "my body is a temple" type) in the comments below. And always remember our helpful advice regarding tattoos in Asian languages: 早まるな！

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Movies can have a powerful effect on us. Star Trek and Star Wars inspired more than one generation to set their sights on the stars and beyond, It's a Wonderful Life gave us a reason to believe in the good in everyday people, and Secretary inspired that lengthy and incredibly awkward conversation with Human Resources. And apparently Eat Pray Love and the accompanying wave of Oprah-fueled PR inspired a bunch of lonely people to spend all their money trying to buy enlightenment in ashrams only to find out that, well, ashrams are kind of lame. Which sucks, because we could've told you that for like half the price.

Lunacy of such plans aside, if you're going to base major life-altering decisions on movies at least pick a decent movie! Don't go with some low-rent rehash of a mediocre book. In fact, you could find a lot more inspiring tales in some of the following flicks...

 

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

PORDENONE, Italy (UPI) -- Anti-globalization activists have destroyed a field of genetically modified corn near the northeastern Italian town of Pordenone, Italian authorities say.

Thankfully, the corn's healing factor and adamantium claws will allow it to take its own revenge.

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