Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
JERUSALEM (AP)—An
1,800-year-old figurine believed to have originated from the eastern
stretches of the Roman Empire has been discovered by archaeologists
outside the walls of the old city, the Israeli Antiquities Authority
said.
Sadly, the figurine is nearly worthless since it was removed from its original packaging.
TOKYO (UPI)—Japanese
researchers say they’ve developed a new, universal flu vaccine,
offering a possible silver bullet against new strains of the bug.
Researchers are now developing an itty bitty Lone Ranger.
OXFORD, England (UPI)—Serotonin,
a chemical that moderates behavior in animals, has been shown to change
the aloof desert locust into partying fiends, British researchers said.
The
serotonin-enhanced locusts have also been observed reading books on
shamanism, remixing each other’s tracks, and considering art school.
WASHINGTON (UPI)—It’s
ancient history now, but it defined a generation: There are still
millions of Americans over the age of 50 out there who can remember
exactly where they were The Day the Music Died.
However, almost none of them can remember which remote controls the DVD player.
CANBERRA, Australia (UPI)—Australian
and German scientists say they have discovered honey bees can tell the
difference between different numbers at a glance.
Based on this finding, the entire species has been renamed “honey a-minuses”.
COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP)—A
black state senator is pushing a bill that would require South Carolina
cities and counties to give their workers a paid day off for
Confederate Memorial Day or lose millions in state funds.
The
senator also wants to give a trophy to the Arizona Cardinals, and lists
his personal heroes as Robin, Tonto, Al Gore and Spock.
WASHINGTON (UPI)—A Washington marketing executive says he’s organizing a campaign to put a Labradoodle in the White House.
In a related story, a Washingon marketing executive was punched in the face.
