Woot® : One Day, One Deal™

Welcome back to The United States of Songs, my quest to either find a new song to represent each state in the union or drive myself insane trying to turn these out week in and week out, whichever comes first. Come along with me, dear reader, to the Buckeye State!

The state: Ohio
The song: "O-H-I-O" by Ohio Players

read more...

Nothing's more important than family. Not speeding cars, not acid-spitting aliens, not spaceships with a ridiculous number of guns attached to the front, not anything. That's why you don't see any of that stuff we just listed in All That Matters. Instead, you'll see this:

Walter's a nice fella who looks like the dude on the Pringles' can, and he's a traditional kind of guy. Throughout the course of the game, he's looking to reconnect with his family. You've got to roll Walter and his clan around the various levels, solving puzzles and picking up hearts. The more hearts they get, the more levels you unlock.

Walter's also got a son, a baby, a wife and a crazy dad, all of whom roll differently. Sometimes you've got to save only one of them to complete a level. Sometimes you've got to save a few. Things get a little simpler once you're used to jumping with the up arrow instead of the more-traditional spacebar. But other than that, All That Matters is just challenging enough to be fun. Until you hit this level right here:

From there on, the levels get hard and stay hard. But if you get stuck, don't worry! Fail three times in a row and the game will invite you to skip ahead and struggle out the stragglers later.

If you're really serious about this game you'll find a wall of badges you can collect while you push for greater success, plus three bonus levels to unlock just for fun. If you try to 100% everything, All That Matters is pretty doggone challenging. But if you just want to kill some time at your desk and roll a family back together, All That Matters should prove a nice time-waster for a Friday afternoon. Tip for office types: hit mute before you click through, because you can't turn off the sound until after the opening credits.

read more...

Shooting the Dead

Jeez, can we get one minute of footage without some paranormal stuff messing everything up?!

Cut! Cut! Cut! No Ryan, there’s nothing wrong with your delivery. Your muffled crying was perfect! It’s just that whispering voice in the wind again. You know, talking about “all who enter be warned” and “ye all shall bear witness” etc., etc.

Man, I would kill my location scout for getting us a haunted house, but then again, another ghost in this place and we’ll never get this movie done! I mean, what am I supposed to do with all this footage? It’s worthless! No one would ever buy it!

I figured, with this Samsung SwitchGrip HD Camcorder with 10x Schneider-Kreuznach Lens, I’d have no problem finishing this shoot. It can capture video in 1920 x 1080/60i HD. It’s got Optical Image Stabilization. It features a a 5MP BSI CMOS sensor, which dramatically reduces noise and distortion while also enhancing recording quality in low-light condition. What could possibly go wrong, right?

Well, as it turns out, everything. And no, that wasn’t a joke, weird, echoing, maniacal laughter!

I just wanted to make a film, roughly 3 hours long, about a young husband and wife who buy an old house, fix it up (which would be the first hour and a half or so), in doing so realize the flaws in their relationship, and then go through a grueling divorce (the second hour and a half). That’s the kind of movie that people want to see.

They don’t want to see big, bright orbs appearing out of nowhere. They don’t want to see the eyes of a painting following the characters around the room. They don’t want to see the wife scream and run through the hallways being chased by a knife flying through the air as if propelled by its own volition. Movies are about exploring taboos, not scaring people.

Anyway, it sounds like the whispering’s died down, and the laughter’s trailed off to a chuckle. If we pick it up, who cares; we’ll just have to fix it in post. Sorry for ranting there, guys. Seriously, it’s been amazing working with you, Ryan, and you, Clarissa, and you too disembodied skull… oh, for crying out loud!

No, Clarissa, don’t scream! You’re just egging them on!

read more...

I’m no etymologist. In fact, I only learned what “etymologist” means after spell check told me “wordtometrist” wasn’t a real word. Still, you don’t need to be all that etymoligious to break down a word like “metaphor.” It’s a simple two-parter:
 
Part 1: meta – an anagram for “meat.”
Part 2: phor – the more letters version of “for.”

See: that’s why metaphors are so interesting, because they’re essentially “meat for [thought].”

read more...

Turn Off The World

I used to let people know I didn’t want to talk to them by staring blankly into a smartphone. That was until I thought about how rude I was being.

With that little screen, how was anyone truly supposed to know I was avoiding human contact? Most folks, they’d just stand around and wait for me to stop checking my Twitter or email or whatever, and then go right back to bothering me with their silly cat stories or unsolicited opinion of things I really couldn’t care less about. Even with headphones on, my message of introversion and solitude was completely going unappreciated.

That’s when I realized I needed to change my approach. Hiding behind something barely five inches long was getting me nowhere. If I was going to shun the outside world while being forced to be out in it, I was going to have to upgrade to a Toshiba Thrive 10.1” 16GB Android Tablet.

And let me tell you, this high-resolution 10.1” diagonal touchscreen display has done wonders for letting people know that I am busy doing things other than allowing them past the psychological walls I’ve so carefully worked to build over the years. Whether I’m on the bus, in the lunch room, or at the gym, I’m letting others know that the eBook, movie, music, or web browsing I’m engrossed in is much more important than they’ll ever be. Plus, with all the apps available for the Android 3.1 operating system, I’ll never run out of ways to ignore the general public! If only there was a way to fake a video chat using the front-facing 2MP camera, it’d be perfect.

And for those who still don’t get it? I’ve got a special desktop picture just for them! See? It says “GET AWAY FROM ME” in big red letters. You do see it, don’t you? Then why aren’t you doing what it says?

read more...

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

SALEM, Mass. (UPI) -- The proprietor of the first witch shop in Salem, Mass., said she is closing the business after about 40 years.

Rumors point to the increase in black market secular knockoffs undercutting her prices while making it impossible for the consumer to tell which is witch.

read more...

If all goes according to plan

The Neato XV-12 is an intelligent, efficient machine. That’s important to know when planning a heist.

Here are the facts as we have them:

1. Millionaire Marco Vidalli is notoriously clumsy.

2. Having come by his fortune through less-than-legal means, he fears having his actions recorded, and so has no surveillance system in his mansion.

3. His Neato XV-12 All Floor Robotic Vacuum picks up, on average, 7 precious stones which he has carelessly dropped onto the floor each day.

4. The Neato XV-12 generally finishes its cleaning around 3:15pm, at which time it returns automatically its base, where Hensley Thompson, Vidalli’s butler, is waiting for it.

5. Thompson then takes the precious stones from the Neato’s dirt bin, returns them to their proper display cases, and then empties what is left – dirt, debris, and pet hair – into the trash.

6. Thompson is 6’8”, 250 points, bench presses 390, and is trained in several illegal and deadly martial art forms.

7. He acts without hesitation, and has hospitalized at least three guests who were caught cheating at Vidalli’s weekly poker game.

8. He has a soft spot for horses.

9. During his free time, he often watches televised rodeo broadcasts and weeps.

10. He has only ever seen a horse in the flesh once (it was in a parade) and those close to him say he was so rapt with it that he could barely move or speak for some time, even after the horse had disappeared around the corner.

Therefore, in order to pull off a heist, we must:

A. Successfully scale the fence surrounding the estate.

B. Make it through the orchard without getting spotted by the guards.

C. Find an unlocked window to enter the mansion.

D. Catch the Neato in its final room (for maximum precious stone load) and trap it by closing the door (thus removing the “recognized doorway”).

E. Secure the precious stones from among the dirt, debris, and pet hair.

F. Distract Thompson so that he does not notice that the Neat-O is returning late.

G. Re-trace our steps back out the window, through the orchard, back over the fence, to our getaway car.

Chances of completing steps A-C and G with horse: Low

Chances of completing step F without horse: Impossible

And therein lies the problem.

read more...

Can I make a confession? I kind of hate Super Bowl commercials. They're a lot like the Super Bowl itself: bloated with hype and usually a letdown. Even the best of them are still, you know, commercials. But there's no denying that Super Bowl commercials are responsible for some of the most enduring (or enduringly awful) artifacts of their time. Can you name the 8 advertisers responsible for the famous and infamous Super Bowl ads seen below? And for the 2-point conversion, can you name the year each aired?

Answers can be found by clicking here. Please post your answers, or arguments, below! But know this: the Trivial Eye is presented for public amusement and no prizes are offered other than that familiar feeling of aggravation that so much of your mind is occupied by useless trivia.

read more...

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Good Reputation vs. An Extensive Knowledge of Astronomy in terms of Getting the Last Bit of Toothpaste out of the Tube

If you know astronomy, it means you see the big picture. You understand the phases of the moon. You can name all the stars. You’ll know about a meteor shower or eclipse before it happens. And all of this is impressive, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not at the right scale for toothpaste. How could you possibly care about a tiny dollop of tooth-cleaning goo when you’ve got entire galaxies to keep track of? It’s impossible! Meanwhile, you get good reputation how? By being a good person and taking care of the little things.

Advantage:

read more...

My Hungry Valentine

Yes, we’re really selling delicious chocolate covered salted caramels. No, we haven’t magically changed bodies with Wine.Woot.

Okay, we’re not gonna say that nobody’s ever put a curse on us, but a quick look in the mirror proves we’re neither Lindsay Lohan nor Jamie Lee Curtis. From this, all we can conclude is that these Fleur de Sel Chocolate Covered Caramels must be exactly where we intend them to be.

Naturally, people will be curious as to our reasons. “A box of Milk and Dark chocolates on Woot.com?” they’re saying even now. “When did a site known for crazy deals turn into a bunch of chocolatiers?” The answer to that question is “the moment we figured out that Valentine’s Day was coming up.”

If reading that sent a nervous rush zipping down your spine… here you go. Artesian salt, slow-cooked buttery caramel, premium Guittard milk and fine chocolate, all mixed together into two pounds of delicious candy that will almost certainly score you love points regardless of your gender. Plus we’ve pulled some strings to make sure your order arrives in time for Valentine’s Day. See? The candy isn’t the only thing that’s pretty sweet.

So let’s worry about vacuums and computers and all that crap tomorrow. Today’s a day for worrying about proving your worth to the person you love. We think two pounds of Fleur de Sel Chocolate Covered Caramels will do the trick pretty well.

But if you want to be sure, maybe order an extra? Can’t hurt to provide a little cover. You probably did a lot of stupid things last year that you’ve forgotten about.

read more...