5 State Birds I'd Like to Fight

by Sean Adams

In honor of Keep America Weird week, I’m listing the five state birds that I’d like to throw down engage in some fisticuffs with. 

1. Ruffed Grouse
State: Pennsylvania
Reason to fight: Look if you want to start fighting state birds, you’re going to need something beginner level. Well, check it: this guy’s so used to getting roughed up that they had to put it in its friggin’ name.
Weapon to use: Bare Hands

2. Blue Hen chicken
State: Delaware
Reason to fight: “Blue Hen chicken”? Well, jeez! Why don’t we add a little bit more redundancy in there? How about “Blue Hen Chicken Beaked Bird Who Primarily Produces Eggs”? No way! Some dumb chicken from a state the size of an in-ground thinks it has the right to waste my breath on its repetitive name? Then I’ll just have to give him the right… hook, that is.
Weapon to use: Boxing Gloves  

3. Common Loon
State: Minnesota
Reason to fight: You know that friend? The one who’s always like, “I’m such a loser. No one likes me!” and it’s really clear that he’s just fishing for compliments, so you’re like, “No way, man! You’re awesome!” and he’s all like, “Oh yeah? What have I ever done?” and you’re like, “You paint such beautiful pictures!” and that’s kind of a lie – his paintings are pretty lame, and they’re all of mermaids and scantily clad alien women – and really you’re just tired of going through this every couple of weeks? Well, in the state bird kingdom, that guy’s the Common Loon; he’s like, “Hrmph, I’m so common!” and you just want to be like, “Bro, if you’re so common, then how come you’re the ONLY STATE BIRD OF MINNESOTA?! C’mon! Grow a pair and just own it!”
Weapon to use: Verbal Assault

4. Scissor-tailed Flycatcher
State: Oklahoma
Reason to fight: Did you know that the Scissor-tailed Flycatcher is also known as the Texas bird-of-paradise? Yeah, that’s right: it’s accepted one state’s state-bird-ship while allowing itself to be identified with another! This two-timing, two-tailed avian needs to pay!
Weapon to use: Scissors (for irony)

5. Cactus Wren
State: Arizona
Reason to fight: I arrived at the party late, and started looking around for Janine. She’d called me up earlier to tell me that it was a boring party and I shouldn’t come, but something about her tone made me suspicious. Sure enough, I spotted her across the room, smiling coyly at a Cactus Wren as he talked about how he was the largest North American Wren; how he’d from time-to-time eat seeds, fruits, small reptiles, and frogs; how he could quite mischievous and will fly into the open windows of automobiles; just a bunch of self-elating crap, really. Well, I walked straight up to him and told him to quit yapping at my girl. He said, “Your girl? Tell you what: I’ll challenge you to a sitting-on-cacti contest. Winner gets Janine.” I lost my girl that night. Forever. After all, Cactus Wrens do form permanent pair bonds. But man, what I wouldn’t give that stupid bird a challenge of my own.
Weapon to use: Mace (because it kind of looks like a cactus)

Now it’s your turn. What state bird would you like to fight and why? Let us know in the comments!


Photos: "Ruffed grouse (Bonasa umbellus) in Canadian Rocky Mountains" by flickr user, MiguelVieira; "Common loon" by flickr user, USFWS Pacific; "Cactus wren and shadow" by flickr user, AlanH2O. All used under a Creative Commons License.