All This Technology is Ruining Our Infidelity

by Randall Cleveland

To: Kimberly Gottlieb
9/11/2012 9:00 am
Subj: I can't do this any more.

My dearest Kimberly,

It pains me greatly to say this, but I can no longer continue our illicit and torrid infidelity. Though you have brought me more joy than I have ever known on an emotional and also mostly sexual level, I fear that the spark which first led us into each other's arms has died. Mostly because of all this technology in our lives.

When I first felt myself lured to the hypnotic trance of an affair, I imagined I would be drawn to someone with whom I worked and was forced to share long hours away from home. Eventually the creative tension would boil over into a passionate fling. Instead it was disappointingly easy to just find someone on a website full of people looking to cheat on their partners. Which isn't to take away from the connection we shared, it just sort of took some of the magic out of the whole process.

My mind gave me sensual visions of illicit meetings, hushed whispers and kisses stolen under cover of night. Instead we keep our sensual rendezvouses scheduled via iCal, and I get a reminder 15 minutes before we're supposed to meet up. I assumed or hoped things would be slightly more spontaneous as we racked our brains to find the slightest, smallest moment to steal away and sate our carnal desires. Instead I just get a text from you reading "DTF? Mine @ 15 min."

I dreamed I would fall into my bed at night drunk on the smell of your perfume, remembering your bare neck and the color of your lipstick while toiling away at my humdrum life with my spouse. I'll admit at first I thought the rather graphic display you put on via Skype was erotic, but the memory is not quite as enchanting as I'd hoped and every time I recall it, it takes on more of a medical examination quality in my head.

I guess what I'm saying is the romance just isn't there. Sorry.


PS - Please stop sending me invitations to connect on LinkedIn. I don't even use that site.