Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
GREEN BAY, Wis. (UPI) -- A Wisconsin cheese maker's aged gouda was hailed as the best cheese in the country at the U.S. Championship Cheese Contest in Green Bay.
The cheese will now legally be allowed to call itself "even bedda!"
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A Brooklyn man said he is calling himself "Mr. Apology" and encouraging New Yorkers to call his hot line and apologize for their wrongdoings.
Insiders say if this plan doesn't work out, the man can shift to a new identity, Mr. Blackmail.
AARHUS, Denmark (UPI) -- Heroin addicts in Denmark, who are given state-sponsored fixes, say they are bored now that they don't have to chase drugs, a non-profit group says.
When asked why they don't play the video game the state gave them last Christmas, the heroin addicts allegedly said that the game was a baby's game, and if the state really loved them, they'd let them get a BB gun.
WASHINGTON (UPI) -- Nearly three-quarters of U.S. Catholics are happy with the selection of Pope Francis, the first Latin American to serve as head of the church, a poll indicates.
Naturally, the remaining fourth are already condemned to Hell.
DALLAS (UPI) -- U.S. adults who stay aerobically fit during middle age might be less likely to develop dementia later in life, a U.S. researcher says.
Hardcore videogamers are already in shock that they might have to decide between two equally terrifying options: forgetting the street map of San Andreas or having to use a Wii Fit.