Completely Unfair Comparisons: On Dining, Unlocking, and Bowling

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. Oars vs. Eyes in terms of Getting a Table at the Hottest New Restaurant

People say that you can communicate a lot with your eyes, but that’s the same as saying that you can communicate a lot with Russian: it only works if the other person’s fluent. So even if you could get your eyes to say just the right thing to get you a table at the hottest new restaurant, there’s no guarantee that the maitre d’ will even be able to read it. Oars are totally different. There’s no mistaking their meaning; they show strength and ruggedness. Walking into a restaurant with oars implies you came by boat, so it’s basically like you’re basically saying, “I used my arm-strength to get me here. Now, are you going to give me a table, or am I going to have to use my arm strength to get that too?”



2. Ash vs. Cash in terms of Scoring Goals in terms of Getting Into Your Car After Locking Your Keys in It

You’re not unlocking a car with cash or ash; it just doesn’t work that way. No, you’re calling someone to come unlock your car door for you, and in order to get someone to do that, you’re going to need to pay them with cash, right? Probably… but MAYBE NOT! What if you’re talking about someone who wants to exchange his car-door-opening services for a non-chemical snow-melter to use on his deck in the winter? That guy might want ash. So then, which is the safer thing to have around in case you need your car unlocked: ash or cash? Easy: ash. Why? Because ash might be made of cash, but cash cannot be made of ash.


3. An Ancient, Magical Scroll vs. Marbles in terms of Bowling

Rule 1 of everything: never take the ancient, magical scroll. Seriously, when have you ever heard someone say, “I found this ancient, magical scroll, and it promised me whatever I wanted, so I made a few wishes and got a bunch of awesome stuff, without any sort of complicated consequences to teach me the error of my ways!”? Never. There’s always some trick built in. Try to use an ancient scroll to help with your bowling, you’ll end up as one of the pins or something. No, the marbles are the way to go. Sure, they don’t have the same power as bowling ball, but you can roll them all at once for a more spread out attack.


This week, I'm rewarding the Rebuttal of the Week to user dukeofwulf , who uses Woot's personality against me to explain why a claw foot tub trumps a trumpet in terms of avoiding illness:

The bath tub's clawed feet will protect you from rat-borne plagues, and the accompanying shower curtain can save you from Malaria, Yellow Fever, and West Nile.

Knowing the average Woot user, these two trumpets would surely come refurbished. And a good way to get sick is to put your mouth where someone else's has been. And if you dodge that bullet, being a musician has a storied history of association with mental illnesses.

Advantage: An Antique Claw-Footed Bathtub 

Now, while I go cry because I've been out-Wooted, you can look at the above comparisons and post your rebuttal in the comments below! And maybe next week it'll be you making me cry!

PHOTO CREDITS: "Need Oar?" by flickr user, rittyrats; "ash water / drip lye container" by flickr user, rickbradley; "marbles" by flickr user, Van Ort. All used under a Creative Commons License.