Completely Unfair Comparisons: Pirate-y stuff!

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. Rigatoni vs. Broad Shoulders in terms of Sailing the High Seas

Rigatoni? That’d help you fit in to Italy, but this isn’t “Rigatoni vs. Broad Shoulders in terms of Sailing to Italy,” is it? No, we’re talking about sailing the high seas. That’s why broad shoulders win hands down. Think about it: the sea is wide and expansive, your shoulders are wide and expansive, that means you two have a way to relate to each other. You can be like, “Not easy being so expansive, huh sea?” and the sea will be like, “Finally, someone who understands!” and give you safe passage.


Broad Shoulders

2. A Hook vs. An Eye Patch in terms of Flirting

"He’s really got his hooks in me.” This is something a woman might say about the man she's in love with. But here's the thing: it's just a metaphor. And this is one of those times where it's REALLY dangerous to interpret at metaphor as literal. Because actually hooking someone would probably cause a reaction that would be described as the opposite of attraction. An eye patch, meanwhile, is not dangerous. In fact, it can help with the flirting process. See, sustaining prolonged, sexy eye contact with two eyes? That's a lot of pieces to manage! So lighten the load a little by covering one up with a patch.


An Eye Patch

3. Bleu Cheese vs. Theater in terms of Finding the Treasure

Here’s my simple rule: bleu cheese always loses... unless it's accompanying buffalo chicken. Is there buffalo chicken in the “treasure”? You don’t know, so don't risk it. Therefore, by default, theater takes this one.



This week’s rebuttal of the week isn’t so much a rebuttal but a correction. fractalVisionz helps me get my argument right for why friendship bracelets trump muffins in terms of getting back into rollerblading:

Rollerblading can be dangerous. Let's face it, as a kid, I had my fair share of wipeouts. Where did I fall the most? My wrists of course. Can Muffins protect my wrists? Not unless I pad my entire body with them, which will tip off-balance while rollerblading. Not only that, the muffins will eventually go stale, making the padding like falling into once-delicious bits of gravel, ouch! In fact, a single wide friendship bracelet will be more than enough to keep my skin from shredding on the pavement, let alone 20 as the kids wear.

Of course, you don’t need to agree with me to win. So go ahead, argue with one of the above comparisons and next week you might be crowned the winner!


Photos: "Shoulder Pads" by flickr user, youraddresshere; "...Johnny Kidd & The Pirates" by flickr user, brizzle born and bred; "Theater" by flickr user, Alan Cleaver. All used under a Creative Commons License.