Don't Listen To Our Ideas, Science: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) -- A large earthquake in the Indian Ocean in April was part of a crustal plate breakup, a phenomenon not observed before, seismologists say.

The two plates are still in turmoil, occasionally finding things they've left at each others houses and sometimes just wondering how they ever shifted apart.

 

Second Strike, Northern Sumatra quake on 11th April 2012,

 

TOKYO (UPI) -- Japanese researchers say they've conclusively identified the elusive 113th atomic element, setting the stage for Japan to claim naming rights for the element.

The world holds its breath as one, praying the scientists do the right thing and go with Marioganese.

CARACAS, Venezuela (UPI) -- Venezuela Saturday launched its second-ever satellite into space, officials said.

Insiders say the fiendish terrorist organization Venezuela Saturday has once again attempted to seize the reins of the world from deep within their volcano fortress. Experts say the group moved at the right time, since all the super-spies are currently camped out for Skyfall tickets.

 

Fuego Erupting

 

ST. JOHN'S, Newfoundland (UPI) -- A young Canadian man who pleaded guilty to beating a teenager into a coma while drunk offered his courtroom apology with a self-written rap performance.

And honestly, no one was particularly surprised.

STUTTGART, Germany (UPI) -- German scientists analyzing an ancient Buddhist statue discovered by a Nazi expedition to Tibet in 1938 say it was carved from a rare form of meteorite.

Archeologists say that, based on their knowledge of screenplays, our planet is clearly just one act away from the worst disaster the world has ever known.

Second Strike, Northern Sumatra quake on 11th April 2012 from Saad Faruque and Fuego Erupting from amslerPIZ are used under a Creative Commons License. (P.S. to the curious, the rap can be read here)